What did the salad say when the cabbage interrupted their meal? Lettuce alone!
22
Mar
22
Mar
The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because theyre used to doing all of their lying indoors.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, Lawyers are horses asses.
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: Mister, watch what you say. Youre in horse country.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig wont do.
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I dont understand, Cindy complained. When people find out Im a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look, said one to the other, Lets be honest with each other.
Okay, you first, replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?
Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.
Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first. You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are avocat in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
21
Mar
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Tex!
Tex who?
Tex two to tango!
21
Mar
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gus!
Gus who!
Gus you dont want to play?
!
21
Mar
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
21
Mar
Un destacado miembro de la Real Academia Española aprovecha que su mujer estaba de viaje para llevarse a casa a su amante. Pero la esposa regresa antes de lo previsto y entra en la habitación y pilla a su marido en plena faena.
¿Pero qué haces con esta mujer en la cama? ¡Estoy sorprendida!
El académico, sin inmutarse, hace gala de sus conocimientos lingüÃsticos y le responde:
No, querida, el sorprendido soy yo. Tú estás asombrada.
21
Mar
What kind of bunny drinks coffee?
Mugs bunny!
21
Mar
Franklins Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be disappointed.
21
Mar
An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, Thats disgusting. The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it out the counter and shouts, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD
21
Mar
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. Youre not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police dont raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.