Old and New Jokes

Fuck is such a versatile word…

Greetings: How the fuck are you!

Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.

Trouble: Well, I guess Im fucked now.

Confusion: What the fuck…?

Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!

Denial: I didnt fucking do it.

Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?

Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?

Directions: Fuck off.

Chronology: Its Five-Fucking-Thirty!

Business: I hate this fucking job.

Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

Where the fuck is all that water coming from?

-Captain of the Titanic

Thats not a fucking real gun.

-John Lennon

Whos going to fucking know?

-President Nixon

Any fucking idiot could understand that.

-Albert Einstein

What the fuck was that?

-Mayor of Hiroshima

It fucking does so look like her.

-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?

-Pythagoras

You want what on the fucking ceiling?

-Michelangelo

Fuck a duck.

-Walt Disney

Scattered showers my fucking ass!

-Noah

Pick up the fuckin phone!

-E.T.

Fuck Logic!

-Spock

I cant breathe in this fucking thing!

-Darth Vader

Fuck Im hungry!

-Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin try!

-Yoda

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

Yo mama so old her birth certificate says expired on it.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn wouldve done it.

Two blondes were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks in the dirt, the first blonde says, Look at those bear tracks.

The second blonde says,Those arent bear tracks, those are deer tracks.

The first blonde says No theyre not, there bear tracks.

The second blonde argues back.

No theyre not, theyre deer tracks.

Then, they both got hit by the train.

Una vez dos mujeres decidieron salir una noche porque sus maridos eran los que siempre salían.

Cuando regresaban en la madrugada de una buena parrandita, a una le dieron deseos de mear y a la otra de cagar, pero lo único que había cerca era un cementerio.

Decidieron bajarse, la que meó no encontró con que limpiarse, así que se limpió con el panty y lo tiró. La que necesitaba cagar tampoco encontró con que limpiarse así que cogió la cinta de una corona de flores y se limpió con ella.

La mañana siguiente los maridos se llaman y uno le dice al otro: Parece que nuestras mujeres la pasaron bien anoche, porque la mía llegó sin panties

Y el otro le contesta: Por lo menos la tuya llegó sin panties, la mía llegó con un moño en el culo que decía: Nunca te olvidaremos.

A painting cotractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She sad she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled GREEN SIDE UP. They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, GREEN SIDE UP. The woman was curious but didnt say anything. They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled GREEN SIDE UP. Finally the woman asked, why do you keep yelling that out the window? Im sorry, he replied, but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

This one woman who was in her late 40s went to the plastic surgen. She wanted an entire face lift and so the doctor said he had this new technique. The woman asked how it was done so the doctor explained it. He said that he would cut two slits on top of her head and tie them into a knot. The woman asked why he would put a knot, and the doctor said that it was so if her face felt a little droopy, when she twisted it to the right, it would tighten the skin on her face. The woman decided to get the surgery done.The doctor told her to come back in four months so he could check up on how she was doing. During the four months the woman had tightened the knot quite a bit. When the woman had finally gone back to see the doctor, she had been complaining about her bags under her eyes being heavy.The doctor examined her for one minute and said, lady, those arent bags under your eyes, theyre your tits! And then the lady said, that would explain the gotee on my chin!

A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks its wrong, but also because he doesnt want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting.
His classmate calms him down: Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: Ill be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on.
Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying.
After the deadline, the student asks: Did you really change the names of all the variables?
Sure! the classmate replies. When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1…

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that hes the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, I dont know what were voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!