Old and New Jokes

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. Shed seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more, FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, Is that you, Lord?

The voice replied, NO you idiot!…this is the Ice-Rink Manager.

Just think, if the pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy for thanksgiving

To YOU Im an atheist; to God, Im the Loyal Opposition. –Woody Allen

Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. –Ambrose Bierce

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. –Reverend Chichester

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you dont believe? –Quentin Crisp

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? –Jules Feiffer

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. –Andrew Lias

God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. –Dr J D McCoughey

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. –H.L. Mencken

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didnt
work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. –Emo Phillips

She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead
clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out
all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really
swear every time the dice caught fire… –Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. –Unknown

I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. –Unknown

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. –Unknown

Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bills sex life. I asked her Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?, and she said Well, close but no cigar.

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

Hey johnson! yelled the drill instructor, those are the ugliest shoes ive ever seen! Yes, sir the young man answered.

Those shoes are really really ugly, right? hollered the D.I again Yes, sir!

And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from? Yes, sir, answered the recruit. So why didnt you get a haircut? I was saving up for shoes, sir!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, Business trip or vacation?

She turned, smiled, and said,

Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

Whats your business role at this convention?

Lecturer, she responded. I use my experience to debunk some of the

popular myths about sexuality.

Really, he said. What myths are

those?

Well, she explained. One popular

myth is that African American men

are the most well endowed, when in

fact, its the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.

Suddenly, the woman became a little

uncomfortable and blushed. Im sorry, she said. I shouldnt really be discussing this with you. I dont even know your name.

Tonto, the man said. Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

Your mamma is so stupid she sits on the telly and watches the couch

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I havent misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause its got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said Nah, hippo may be mean, but aint nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an gator head on the other

WAIT ! interrupted the others, If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply, He dont, thats what makes him so mean.

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

What..What is going on? Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds Get the hell out of the Laidies you dirty bastard.