Tres ratones se encuentran y empiezan a contarse sus aventuras:
Yo, cuando me aburro, busco un cepo, me meto debajo, cojo el queso y me lo como sin despeinarme.
El segundo dice:
Eso no es nada, yo cuando tengo hambre cojo una bolsa de matarratas y me la como mientras me bebo una cerveza y veo una pelÃcula… y no me pasa nada!
El otro dice:
Tenéis razón, sois muy arriesgados. Siento no poder quedarme más pero es que tengo que ir a casa a follarme al gato.
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husbands lawyer arose and said, Isnt it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, What was that date again ?
The Top 5 Men in a Womans life are:
1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks where do you want it, front or back?
A Decorator says how do you like it now that it’s up?
A Bank manager says don’t take it out you’ll lose interest!
The Tearful Bride…
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, Robert doesnt appreciate what I do for him.
Now, now, her mother comforted, I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.
No, mother, you dont understand.
I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!
Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! says her mom.
Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.
No, mother it wasnt the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.
Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?
Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –
Prepare from a frozen state, so I flew to Alaska!
This is a story about Johnnies day at school….Johnnies teacher got up
in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing
game! The teacher said, I have something behind my back. Its red in
color and round. Its soft, but its hard.
Johnnie raised his hand and
said, Teacher, I know its a red rubber ball. The teacher said, No
Johnnie, its an apple, but I like the way that you think.
Next the
teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. I have
something behind my back. Its orange in color and round. Its soft,
but its hard, said Johnnies teacher.
Johnnie raised his hand again
and said, Teacher, teacher, I know its an orange rubber ball. The
teacher looked at Johnnie and said, No Johnnie, its an orange, but I
like the way that you think.
Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so
he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and
put it behind his back and said, I have something behind my back. Its
pink in color and its LONG. Its soft, but its HARD.
The teacher,
getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, Now Johnnie, Im going to have to tell
the principal about this perverted behavior. Johnnie stopped her and
said, But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way
that you THINK!!!
Julian Cowley, Laboratory for Educational Inquiry
A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.
Well, we were married for 25 years!
Bill Gates dies and heads up to the pearly gates (no relation). Saint Peter meets him there and says, Well, youve led an… interesting life, Bill. To be perfectly honest, were not quite sure which place to send you. So were going to let you decide.
Gates swallows nervously and says, okay. St. Peter snaps his fingers and they are instantly transported to a sunny beach. Theres beer and rock music and topless women playing volleyball. Gates says,Hey, is this heaven? Its GREAT! St. Peter says,No, this is Hell. Let me show you what Heaven is like. He snaps his fingers again and they are instantly transported to a serene city park. Theres a soft breeze and birds are chirping and old people are sitting on benches feeding pidgins and playing chess. Gates says,Well, this is… nice. But, given a choice, I guess Ill take Hell.
St. Peter says,You got it, and snaps his fingers. Gates is instantly imbedded in molten lava where his skin is flayed off in unspeakable agony. All around him he can hear demonic laughter and the screams of the damned. He looks up and shouts,Hey, it wasnt like this! Wheres the beach? Wherere the babes?
Saint Peter looks down from his Macintosh and says, Sorry, Bill. That was the demo.
Joke found on http://www.bright.net
The Gingrinch that stole Xmas
By Mark D. Harmon
(journalism and broadcasting Prof. at Texas Tech University, Lubbock, Texas.)
All the Whos down in Whoville took little note. Some listened to fear. Some didnt vote. Little did they know a Gingrinch did lurk. Hed been scheming for years to do evil work. The Whos were surprised, to find in everyones house, a fat grinning rat dressed as a church mouse.
Im the Gingrinch, he bleated. You Whos must be told that hopes been defeated. The Whos looked around in shock and dismay. Who could have dreamed such a strange thing to say? The Gingrinch, however, took little heed. He had an agenda; it started with greed.
The Gingrinch chortled and let out a hideous laugh. He bellowed and beckoned and brought out his staff. This is Jesse, Strom, Alphonse, Henry, Bob, and Kay–we have so much contract work to do today. We intend to change Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Weve got a new message; weve made a new reason.
The Whos looked surprised at the motley rat crew, but the Gingrinch insisted they knew what to do. Christmas now will mean so much more. Christmas now, Gingrinch sneered, will mean blaming the poor.
Its their fault, he drooled, that they face gloom and doom. If they had any sense, theyd come out of a different womb. The Who families held hands, grimaced and snuggled. They remembered how together they had worked and struggled. The Gingrinch, however, blabbed on unabated. He knew what he wanted; he knew who he hated.
This Head Start, the Gingrinch said very slow. It teaches kids to think. It helps them to grow. This Head Start, he scowled, is the first thing to go. Then abortion is next, dictated the Gingrinch, but care for a child gets none of our worth. Life begins at conception and ends at birth. Then he took away job training, food stamps, and student loans. He heard all the pain; the Gingrinch liked to hear groans.
Now lets give to the rich; theyve got it already. It keeps my campaign contributions rolling in steady. And Im tough on crime, thats what Im sellin – excepting, of course, those poor S&L felons. Remember that I want to keep you all free. Lets start by making you pray like me.
All the Whos now were praying the nightmare would end, but the Gingrinch kept planning to borrow and spend. With each falling snowflake, the Gingrinch grew bolder, and the Whos remembered his ideas were much older.
I want noise, lots of toys. Set my mind to race. I want tanks, bazookas, and lasers in space. The Gingrinch insisted, Raid the pensions. Tax the poor. This voodoo will work, this time, Im sure. Why I even dare to cut Medicare. Ill need all this loot, and well find a new enemy or my name isnt Newt!
That Christmas in Whoville tested the spirit of Yule. Few Whos could afford to pay Newts private school. Holly cost dearly, so Whos sprinkled twigs with sage. Then Gingrinch abolished the minimum wage. Who children missed the animals that used to freely roam.
The Gingrinch had sold off the parks they called home. Belching pipes now polluted the water and air. Sick and old couldnt pay for the simplest care.
Yet on Christmas Eve as the stars shone through the haze, Whos ventured out with a determined gaze. They held hands and sung, Who Who Hooray. Der flugel. Der flugel. Callou and callay. Welcome Christmas. Christmas Day. Bahoo Dore. Sing of cheer. Sing of whos far and near. Sing of whos no longer fearing. The Gingrinch is going, election day is nearing.
An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over.
The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says: Maam it looks like you blew a seal.
The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face: No, its just Mayonaise.
A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom…so the man stands up to let her out.
She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.
She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
The man, a little tired of jumping up so often…asks her: You keep sneezing, whats the problem?
The woman replies: I have a rare condition…every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
He says, Oh… what are you taking for it?
She says: Pepper.