Old and New Jokes

Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, whats your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: Thats great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, whats your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, thats great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: Thats very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, whats your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, thats fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Fellow 1: Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.

Fellow 2: Wow, thats Incredible. How did he know all of that?

Fellow 1: The judge told him.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Germany!
Germany who!
Germany people knocking on your door?

Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.

I went out with this girl who was so black,
when she got out of the car, the oil light came on.

A college professor of logic was attempting to teach his young son the principles of clear thinking and the necessity for defining all terms. He pointed to a wall clock which had just struck.

Now, if I were to take a hammer and smash the clock, he queried, could I be arrested for killing time?

The lad hesitated a moment. No, he said, itd be self-defence.

The professor frowned. How do you figure that out ?

Because, answered the boy, the clock struck first.

An Irishman caught a leprechuan and was offered three wishes if he would release the leprechuan. He decided that he could really use a beer so he made that his first wish.

A mug of beer appeared on a rock so he drank it down. As he prepared to make his second wish, he noticed that the mug was full of beer.

How did that happen? he asked.

The leprechuan explained that for as long as he lived the mug would be full and he could drink all he wanted.

The Irishman said, In that case, Ill take two more of those!

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. Dont let me spoil a good time for you, she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, I wonder what my husband really does when Im not around. She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldnt recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked Well, how was the party? He replied, It was no fun without you honey. She said, I dont believe you. I bet you had lots of fun! He replied, Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.

I am a gentle bunny. I will listen carefully before I speak. In so
doing I might get some faint clues from my manager as to who is going to
get screwed next, and so take steps to make sure I am not in the penumbra of
blame when it happens.

I am a gentle bunny. I will think before I speak. I will make very
sure I dont violate my employers non-disclosures or talk about the stock
during blackout periods. Nor will I reveal what I know about managements
little hobbies. I will remember that my employer is *not* a gentle bunny, but
is part wolf, part rat, and part Emperor Palpitine; and his lawyers are
even worse.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that when I speak I can hurt
others. Will what I say cause others pain? Will they take it out on me in
my next review?

I am a gentle bunny. Can I change the way I say something to avoid
hurting another yet still say it? I will strive to remember that in these
situations, precise factual accuracy must give way to the survival instinct;
its a lot more important not to tick them off.

I am a gentle bunny. The things I love are not loved by all. I will not
force the things I love onto others. Not even if it is honesty, decency,
and fiducial responsibility, and the people lacking these things are thereby
risking jail time.

I am a gentle bunny. If I wish to show others the things that I love I
will check with those present in case they do not wish to be involved.
This is especially true when I am comtemplating whistleblowing.

I am a gentle bunny. I will accept any gift freely given, yet I will
never ask for a free gift. The last time I did, I was fired, and I learned
from that.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that though I may not love
something, that does not mean another may not love it. Everyone has their
own take on these things, and just because I dont like fraud, doesnt
mean the CEO isnt into it bigtime.

I am a gentle bunny. I will listen and think on everything a person
says, not just the parts I wish to fight with or the parts with which I
already agree. If I find that everything presented is utter fantasy and
absurdity, I will still carefully consider that this is, after all, my
employer, and that in fantasy one may sometimes find humor, especially in
schedules.

I am a gentle bunny. What I believe in is important to me. I will
remember that what others believe in is important to them. And if they
believe that lying to the employees is important, then I will remember
that gentle is not the same as gullible.

I am a gentle bunny. Another person may hold dear to their heart a
view that contradicts mine. This does not mean that their view or mine is
wrong for each may be the right choice for each of us. After all, there
are no ethics in my workplace, so how can there be right and wrong
choices?

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that words hurt worse and longer
than blows. I will remember that this is occasionally useful, and is
frequently the only response which is both legal and rational.

I am a gentle bunny. If someone speaks to hurt me, have I given them
cause? Is there something I have said or done that has caused them pain?
Probably not; they probably werent doing it intentionally, and simply
wounded me in blithe, unconcerned self-interest. They are, after all,
management.

I am a gentle bunny. If I find myself wanting to hurt someone to make
my point, I will look at what I am saying to see what is lacking in my
view that I must harm another that they might agree? And if what is
lacking is a modicum of intelligence in the other party, I will nonetheless
remember that punching out the mentally enfeebled is neither gentle nor
legal.

I am a gentle bunny. My rules are for myself. I should not expect
others to obey them. My rules work for me, others find other rules work
for them. And if their rule happens to be devour the helpless, I
will remember that hiding in my hidyhole until they are done thinning the
herd is both gentle and wise.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that what I imply with what I say
is more often heard than what I actually say. I will be careful about what
I imply. Especially after those women in middle management got the vapors over
a faintly pointed, humorous public email I wrote, and started throwing around
terms like sexual harassment.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that every time I attack a person
I hurt others who are close to them who I never meant to hurt. And these
people are often even further up the management chain.

I am a gentle bunny. When a person stands against the world for what
they love, then what they love has value. I will not belittle what they
love nor seek to destroy it. The right to lie, cheat and steal is, after
all, a genetic imperative in many, and who am I to oppose an evolutionary
calling?

I am a gentle bunny. If a person comes to me in anger I will listen to
all they have to say and think about it. I will think about how I would
feel if what happened to them had happened to me. I will not return hatred
for hatred, nor anger for anger, because then they will make sure what
happened to them what happens to me, too.

I am a gentle bunny. Their are times in every bunnys life when they
are no longer gentle. I will remember this in others and watch for it in
me. Most especially I will watch for it in my coworkers, and I will choose
my vacation time accordingly.

I am a gentle bunny. When the world grows too harsh I can retreat to
my hidey hole to heal for a time. Thats why they give us cubicles and
internet access.

I am a gentle bunny. Even though I love to be touched I will remember
that others may not. I will be certain I have anothers consent before I
touch them. And I will remember that they are unlikely to say yes, especially
when they can see the hammer in my hand.

I am a gentle bunny. Hatred hurts me yet I will not cause pain to
another in return. Hatred hurts others so I will not hate. I may seethe,
sputter, and write irritated emails, but its not worth my hate.

I am a gentle bunny. The world holds more possibilities than I have
ever imagined. While I am out of my hideyhole I will seek to see what is
new in the world. To see the worth in everything I find. I know I struggle
to find worth in much of what I see, but those people are pulling down
high salaries, so they must be doing *something* right.

I am a gentle bunny. I will remember that a person confronted in
public must defend themselves regardless of how right or wrong they were.
A person spoken with in private will give me their true feelings on what I
have to say. But I will remember that there are no witnesses in such
situations, and if I thought they were vehemently defensive in public, what
I can expect in the privacy of my managers office will be infinitely
less nice.

I am a gentle bunny. I will give from my heart, giving for the joy of
seeing the pleasure others gain from my gift. And if they dont understand
the gift, I will try to remember that they will somehow make money off of
it whether they understand it or not, and for some people, thats the only
pleasure they will ever know.

I am a gentle bunny and like being a gentle bunny. You couldnt *pay*
me to be one of those freaking, blood-gargling wolves in management.

Written by: Quintessentially Anonymous.. and staying that way, thank you

[The first part of each paragraph is verbatim from I am a gentle bunny,
by boojum the brown bunny; try http://furry.de/miavir/quotes-boojum.html for
the original. Applying it to American Corporate life was not at all difficult.]

Q: Whats the blondes cheer?

A: Im blonde, Im blonde, Im B. L. O. N. . . . ah, oh well. . Im blonde, Im blonde, yea yea yea. . .