One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!
Whats the problem, Eve?
Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy.
Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.
Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples.
Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.
Whats a man, Lord?
This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.
Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.
Whats that, Lord?
Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.
There was this really loser guy at collage one day. he was really unpopular so he got the guts to go ask a girl how could he make the girls like him!? SO, she told him to put a potato in his pants! so hes like OK~ if that will help! so the next day he is walking around an everyone is laughing at him and so he goes back up to the girl he asked and said y is everyone laughing at me?? she says well maybe next time u SHOULD PUT IT IN THE FRONT!
Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
A: They are always longing for another stop.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his freakin head!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case Heaven is like the IRS.
Q: What was Corazon Aquinos happiest hour?
A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos shoe size.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!
You might be a redneck if you think genitalia is an Italian airline!
It is recounted that at Kings College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the years rounds by teaching a singularly important principle of medicine.
He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. Diabetes, he said, is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic…
By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger.
Now, said the Registrar grinning, you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation.
We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing.
You see, the registrar said continuing triumphantly, I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps!