Old and New Jokes

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say, Look! Hes moving!

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the Bible Belt, there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded Klu Klux Klan. This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now – right here – before my flock of loyal followers.



Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, Preacher, please, I dont know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.

If all the worlds a stage,

I want more props!

On
a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman
in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "Im
too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if
Im going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth
to be memorable! Ive had plenty of sex in my life,
but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!
Well Ive had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I
can make you feel like a woman," he says. Hes
gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair
and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as
the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles
ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends
the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,
and whispers:
"Iron this."

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

Heard on WCBS radio, New York: A blind man was arrested for driving
without a license after the car he was driving crashed into a tree.
He explained to police that this was the fulfillment of one of his
lifelong dreams: to drive an automobile. Apparently he had
fulfilled another of his lifelong dreams the preceding weekend: to
play outfield for the New York Yankees.

Told to me by my girlfriend, who isnt blond. (Though I am):

Q: Why do blondes have bruises around their belly button?

A: Because there are blond guys, too.

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

(pause)

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale, which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

(pause)

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.

1st Man: No its true let me prove it to you. So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.

1st Man: No, Ill prove it again and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: Well what the heck, it works, Ill try it. So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

You know, Superman, youre a real jerk when youre drunk.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says Hi! My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if theyve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, Hi! My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says Hi! My name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load! When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says Hi! My name is Kevin. Its winter in Canada and Im driving the salt truck!