Old and New Jokes

This is an old joke that has been heard around the Pentagon for some years, now.

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they dont speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

ContractorA gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid OpeningA poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BidA wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low BidderA contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineers EstimateThe cost of construction in heaven.
Project ManagerThe conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path MethodA management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHAA protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney – usually applied at random with a shotgun.
StrikeAn effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed PaymentA tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion DateThe point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated DamagesA penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AuditorPerson who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.
LawyerPerson who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

Little Jonny asked his mother Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?

Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense? replied by his mother

Little Jonny answered The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Un tipo era tan adicto al cigarrillo que no le importaba el lugar ni lo que estuviera haciendo, si le daban ganas de fumar y no tenía cigarrillos, inmediatamente salía a comprarlos.

Un día que estaba bañándose le dieron unas ganas enormes de fumar y salió a comprar cigarrillos tal como Dios lo trajo al mundo. Cuando regresaba, vio que tres religiosas iban por su camino, así que lo único que se le ocurrió fue ponerse como si fuera máquina expendedora de cigarrillos. Las monjas llegan y comentan:

Mira, hermana, que máquina más original de cigarrillos; voy a sacar uno.

Así que le aprieta el miembro y ¡pum! salen sus cigarrillos. Va la segunda, aprieta y nuevamente cigarrillos; la tercera aprieta y aprieta y nada. Cuando ya se estaba dando por vencida y creía que la máquina estaba dañada comenta:

Vieron, a mí no me entregó cigarrillos, pero si me salió crema para la cara.

El marido sospecha que su mujer le es infiel, va al mercado y se compra el mejor machete que consigue y lo afila hasta que queda como una hoja de afeitar. Llega a su casa y le dice a su mujer:

Mi amor tengo que salir de viaje por unos días.

Ok mi vida cuidate, le responde la mujer.

A penas el hombre sale de su casa la mujer corre rauda y veloz al teléfono a llamar su amante. El marido corre y se trepa en una rama de un árbol que quedaba justo sobre el techo de la habitación (el techo era una cúpula de vidrio transparente).

Pasado el rato llega el amante. La mujer pone a funcionar sus más ocultas fantasías sexuales y le dice al amante:

¡Amor hoy lo vamos a hacer como los perros!

¿Como los perros?

Sí, yo me voy a desnudar y voy a caminar en cuatro patas por la casa y justo en la entrada del dormitorio orinaré, tu olerás y luego correrás a montarme.

A todas estas el marido esta alerta en la rama del árbol con el filoso machete en mano, viendo toda la acción de los amantes.

La mujer empieza su show… Gatea hasta la entrada de la habitación, orina y luego se acuesta

en la cama. Llega el amante y cual perro cazador, viene olfateando hasta llegar al pozo de orina, se agacha a olfatear y cuando lo hace, dobla ligeramente la cabeza hacia arriba y ¡SORPRESA! Allí ve al furioso marido trepado en la rama y opta por quedarse inmóvil.

Pasan los minutos y de repente dice la mujer:

Mi amor ¿qué pasó que no vienes?, ¡ya oriné!

A lo que el hombre contesta:

¿Ya orinaste?, bueno, pues ahora mira para arriba para que TE CAGUES!

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two thousand dollars and a substantial tax cut save you two dollars?

When you are out of Monet.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.

Why of course, comes the reply.

The first man then asks: Where are you from?

Im from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds:
You dont say, Im from Ireland too! Lets have another round to
Ireland.

Of Course, replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin, comes the reply.

I cant believe it, says the first man. Im from Dublin too! Lets
have another drink to Dublin.

Of course, replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you
go to?

Saint Marys, replies the second man. I graduated in 62.

This is unbelievable!, the first man says. I went to Saint Marys
and I graduated in 62, too!

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

Whats been going on?, he asks the bartender.

Nothing much, replies the bartender. The OMalley twins are drunk
again.

Is it in?

An ultra orthodox Jewish couple gets invited to a wedding, but are very puzzled by the invitation.


Joel, what does RSVP mean?


Frida, im not quite sure. i think it has to do with something about bringing beer.


no, thats byob.


oh, right. than i think its something about myob.


thats mind your own business, honey!


oh, right, its something about using too much viagra!


Frida didnt answer back, because that just didnt require an answer.


Frida thought long and hard over the next few weeks, and finally came up with the most ethical answer she could think of.


Joel! i finally found out what RSVP means! Remember! Supply Vedding Present.