Old and New Jokes

There are 3 basic types of people in the world:

1. Those who can count.



2. Those who cant.

There was a man, who walked into a small Chinatown shop to look around.
He saw a golden rat, and asked the oriental behind the counter how much it
cost.

Golden Rat, one hundred dollar. Story behind Golden Rat three
hundred dollar.

The man decided just to buy the Golden Rat, so he pays
for it and leaves.

A rat that was in the shop follows him out, as does a
rat in the alley outside. Before hes walked a street away, hes being
followed by ten rats, then a hundred, then a thousand. The man starts to
panic, and starts running away, while more and more rats follow him. He
ran right across the town, and got himself trapped by the sea. He
hesitated for a second, then dives off the wharf and starts swimming.

Looking back, he saw that the rats were still following him, but the
second they hit the water, they turned to stone and sank. About fifteen
minutes later (well, it takes a while to kill ten thousand rats), the man
swam back to shore, and walked back to the shop.

When he walked in, the
guy behind the counter said Ahhhh. You come back for story about Golden
Rat.

The man replied No, I was just wondering if you have any Golden
[ethnics].

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.’

(From the 7:30 news this morning on CKKW:)

Four peregrine falcon chicks will be raised at the
University of Waterloo and then released locally.
They are expected to eat pigeons and other small
birds. This is part of a Canada-wide effort to
increase the number of endangered species.

At least one, but it better be a big lightbulb

A little girl is sitting on her grandpas lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa."Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl."Yes, He did, and that wasnt too long ago," answers her grandpa."Boy," says the little girl, "Hes sure doing a lot better job these days isnt He?"

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter R, and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare. In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates–many of them already laughing at him–then replied, Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasnt cooked enough.

From Rick Marshall, pastor of Crossroads Bible Church, San Jose:

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing
my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a
man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have
cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income,
and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still cant sleep, I will send the rest.

Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.

I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son. See? Its a baby, I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.

I dont want a baby, I dont want a baby, he was saying.

He sounds just like his father, my daughter replied!

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can handle, he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor.

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, Prepare three envelopes…