Old and New Jokes

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide.

The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole.

This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldnt measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The Aggies replied, we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long.

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.

But theres one tradition that very few people know about…
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

My brother, the Holy Father whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history.

The Pope said: Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret. The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.

Salen dos compadres bien pedos huyendo después de un pleito de cantina.

Uno alcanza a abrir el carro mientras el otro compadre es atacado por cinco tipos. El que iba a manejar se las ingenió para rescatar a su compadre y al fin los dos huyen en el carro.

El compadre le pisa al acelerador y comienza a meter cambios de velocidad, porque los tipos los estaban persiguiendo. El compadre rápidamente metía cambios con gran destreza, a pesar de estar bien pedo, mientras el otro compadre, todo golpeado, hacía unos ruidos medio raros.

Finalmente los compadres perdieron a los que los perseguían y el compadre que estaba todo madreado le dice al que manejaba, con una voz afeminada:

Ahora sí, dame un besito.

El otro compadre, todo sacado de onda, le indica:

Esos chingazos que te pusieron te hicieron daño.

Y el otro le reclama:

¡No te hagas, que el carro es automático!

Estaba este hombre, calvo por cierto, paseando por su barrio. Acierta a pasar bajo un balcón y siente que algo le cayó en la cabeza. Con recelo toma lo que le cayó, lo mira bien, mira hacia arriba al balcón y decidido sube la escalera.

Toca la puerta y al momento le abre una señora muy afable que le pregunta:

¿En qué le puedo ayudar?

El hombre a su vez le pregunta con amabilidad:

¿Quienes estan en su balcón, señora?

Ella muy orgullosa le responde:

Mi hija y su novio; ¿por qué? ¿pasa algo?

El hombre con parsimonia le toma la mano y poniéndole en ella lo que le había caído en la cabeza, le dice:

Tome, aquí tiene a su nieto.

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.



Yes, Ive just found out my older brother is gay.



The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.



When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, Ive just found out that my younger brother is gay too!



On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.



The bartender said Jesus! Doesnt anybody in your family like women?



Yeah, my wife…

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, Oh oh !

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.



Well, said the doc, you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?



No, replied the man.



Do you drink in excess?



No. replied the man.



Do you have a sex life?



Yes, I do!



Well, said the doc, Im afraid with this heart murmur, youll have to give up half your sex life.



Looking perplexed, the old man said, Which half…the LOOKING or the THINKING?

Three animals in a bar was having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first animal, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No one in the jungle dared to challenge him, King of the Jungle.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature with his unique arsenal.

As the three debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all; hawk, lion and stinker!

The comment yesterday reminded me of my encounter with disciples of Jehovah. The encounter was very entertaining (for me) and very timely. At the time I was doing research on the evolutionary significance of religion and its functional utility. But that is neither here nor there.

Anyway, They came to my door and I immediately invited them in. Ive been waiting for someone like you!, I exclaim and immediately begin to interrogate them on the literalness of the Bible.

They, of course, said that the Bible should be interpreted literally.

They fell right into my trap. My first question was, Well, Adam and Eve were the first humans on Earth right?

Right

Therefore, we are all sons and daughters of A & E right?

Right

Doesnt that mean that the following scenarios are the only possibilities:

Eve had sex with her sons
Adam had sex with his daughters
or their daughters and sons were having sex with each other?

Thank-you but I dont plan to subscribe to any religion that promotes incestuous relationships according to there own doctrine. Good-day.

Needless to say they werent impressed but maybe they went away and converted to animism or something.

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. Im telling you so early because its so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. Its very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you dont forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U….

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.