Old and New Jokes

Una mujer que se encuentra en la cama con su amante, advierte que su esposo está llegando y rápidamente mete al galán bajo la cama.

Hola, amor ya llegué, saluda el marido.

Estoy cansada. Vamos a dormir, dice la mujer, colocándose en la parte de la cama que tiene un agujero en el colchón.

Aprovechando el orificio, el amante mete el miembro hasta acercárselo a la mujer.

¡Ah, ah!, grita la mujer excitada.

¿Qué pasa, amor?, pregunta intrigado el consorte.

Nada, es el frío.

Después de unos minutos, nuevamente la mujer grita:

¡Ah, ah!

¿Qué pasa, amor?, pregunta nuevamente el marido.

Nada, es el frío.

Creo que mejor me cambio a tu lado, amor, sugiere el tipo.

El amante, sin saber nada de lo ocurrido, repite la acción.

Ah, ah, este frío si que parte el culo!, grita el esposo.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

Peroxide.

In article <27164@ucbvax.BERKELEY.EDU> amorando@euler.berkeley.edu (David Ashley) writes:

I would like to ask a question that has bothered me ever since I heard about
nude places like beaches, parks and whatnot.

What if you are a guy and you get a hard on. Do you try and cover it up (dont
ask ME how) or does everyone just take it for granted and politely ignore it?
Or do nudists say that the problem never comes up due to self-control?

This is a common question among newcomers to nudist activities. In
practice, it is nothing to worry about. What usually happens is
something like this:

You get an erection, somebody notices, points at
you and yells, Hey, look at the hard-on on that guy or, Look at that
guy trying to hide his hard-on. Then everyone gathers around, pointing
and laughing. If you try to run away, they all follow you. People
start taking pictures. Eventually, some mesomorph/homophobe thinks he
catches you looking at his girlfriend/self and beats the hell out of
you. After this happens two or three times, you get conditioned to
always go limp when you see a naked body.

No problem.

Alan Filipski, Phoenix, Arizona

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
Players on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the hole and keep the balls out.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft, course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will normally lake time to admire the entire course, playing special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.
Players should assure their match has been properly scheduled particulary when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back side.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quick pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole serveral times in one match.
The course owner is the sole judge of the best player.

Note: Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be tevled by course owners and rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players decide to continue playing different courses.

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They cant find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.

What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine?

Don King.

Following the approval of Viagra by the UKs health authorities, the first
shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to
the pharmacy distribution warehouse. Scotland Yard has warned the public to be
on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

Of course youve heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch
floppy into a hard disk.

Viagra, medicines version of MIRACLE-GRO.

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra
coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

You might be a redneck if…
Someone in your family says "Cumn heer an lookit this afore I flush it."

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that werent expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Jimmy tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music … anything he could think of.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmys extended arm and said, Im sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word tragedy.

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesnt anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"