Old and New Jokes

They cant string three Ws together.

I always give 100% at my work:15% on Monday
25% on Tuesday
35% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday

There are a lot of folks that cant understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.

Well, heres the answer: Its simple. nobody bothered to check the oil.

Didnt know we were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical.

All the oil is in Alaska, Texas, and Oklahoma,

and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple…

Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor.

As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room – yet she made no attempt to restrain him.

Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing.

Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, I hope you dont mind my Little Johnny playing in there.

No, not at all, said the doctor calmly. Not at all. Im sure hell calm down as soon as he finds the poison.

Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Harley said, I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and Im very proud of that fact.

The teacher says, If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?

Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.

No wonder you won! he exclaimed indignantly, youve got a Double-Barrel!

28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the womans horse mis-steps and jostles the mans wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, Thats one. The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the womans horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, Thats two! He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the womans horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the womans horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, Thats three, removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, Thats terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, Thats one!

Dont try to have the last word; you might get it.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.