Old and New Jokes

Ten-one to do it and nine to document it.

Sex alone is not enough to build a relationship, but with two people…

Then theres the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says, Madam, I believe youve got a hold of my privates.

The woman replies, Yes…And were going to be careful not to hurt each other, arent we…

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

Back off Barney, Ive got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

I know I was weaving, but I cant find the Honeycomb Hideout!

On the way to the station lets get a twelve pack.

Youll never get those cuffs on me…You wimp!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasnt your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

Im surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you mustve been doing about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad Cop! No Donut!

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, thats how far I am behind the other cars.

Youre NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow

Didnt I see you get your ass kicked on COPS last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriends bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, officer! Thats terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didnt let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? Thats nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

When you smack the crap outta me, make su

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, George Washington greets him. How dare you attack the nation I helped build! yells Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry approaches and says, You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama in the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He strikes Osama on the kneecap with a large spiked hammer. Osama is subjected to a series of similar beatings from John Randolph, John Adams, James Monroe, and a steady procession of other people who have the same love for liberty and the United States. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams in panic, This is not what I was promised! An angel replies, I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?

At the recent Olympics, a man was walking throught the Olympic villiage carrying a long pole. A reporter came up to him and asked Are you a pole vaulter?

The man replied, No, Im a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?

What is a ghouls favorite flavor?

Lemon-slime…

A guy walks into this sporting goods store in Alaska,
immediately spies a rather haggard-looking old salt of
a store clerk sitting by the cash register.

Hear ya got a lotta bears round here?

Yep, answers the clerk.

Big bears?

Yep.

Mean bears?

Yep.

Black bears?

Yep.

GRIZZLIES???!

Yep.

Got any bear bells?

Whats dat?

You know, them little dingle-bells ya put
on yer backpack so bears know yer in
the perimiter sos they can runs away …

Yep. Over yonder …

Great. Ill take one fer black bears, and one fer grizzlies.
Say, howd you know if yer in black bear country anyway?

Look fer scatt.

Oh. Well, how howd you know if theres GRIZZLIES????!

Look fer scatt.

You just said that!

Yeah. But grizzly scatts different.

Well now, just whats IN grizzly scatt thats different?

Bear bells.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.