Old and New Jokes

Theres a big trade in skunk fur at the moment so two ladies are on holiday with the intention of smuggling a couple of skunks back home. Theyre discussing how theyre going to conceal them to get through customs.

I can put it down my knickers as surely no one will search there. says one of them.

Yes but what about the smell? asks her friend.

Hey, if it dies it dies.

Apparently all British Airways planes have been grounded today after it was found that all the air hostesses had at least a four inch crack in them.

Martina Navratolova was held at Heathrow today after customs men found a pound of crack in her knickers.

Q: Whats the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A: Lipstick.

Q: Whats a Jewish American Princess favorite position?


A: Facing Bloomingdales!

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, Ive kidnapped you.



She then wrote a note saying, Ive kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.



The Blonde then pinned the note to the kids shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

Yassir Araafats last wish before he slipped into a coma was to convert to becone a jew. His wife asked him, but why oh glorious one, leader of the world would you want to become one of the accursed of the world? So that dear Suha there will soon be another dead jew.

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

Cop: Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?

Sister: Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.

Cop: Oh sister, thats not the speed limit, thats the name of the highway youre on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. Ill be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, whats wrong with your friends back there? Theyre shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

A: Chickens day off.