Old and New Jokes

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has
7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries
two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband.
Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husbands
death she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, At
least theyre finally together. A guy sitting in the
front row says, Excuse me father, but do you mean her
and her first husband, or her and her second husband?
The priest says, I mean her legs.

Dont have more than two children in one year

Mens Rules for Women

* If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of those ways makes you sad or angry… we meant it the other way.

* Department stores and malls were purposely designed so that when you want to look at bed linens, shower curtains or handbags, speakers, tires or sporting equipment are always nearby.

* We dont know ANYTHING about handbags. Please, dont even ask.

* We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why…

* Silence does not always need to be filled with discussions about us and the relationship.

* It is in neither your best interest or ours to take those stupid magazine quizzes together.

* Actually, you probably dont want to know what were thinking.

* Good things for you to help us with: the Sunday crossword puzzle, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

* Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching ESPN, playing cards, and home repair.

* Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

* Curley is the bald one.

* Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Cal Ripken, Michael Jordan, or Arnold Schwarzenegger, dont expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford or Suzanne Summers are up to.

* Socks never constitute a gift.

* Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

* Two hot dogs and a drink at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

* Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both!

* Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

* When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, your saying This is our exit is not necessary.

* No, you cant have the remote control.

Una pareja llega con el ginecólogo:

Doctor, creo que mi mujer está embarazada.

El médico la chequea y afirma:

No, no está embarazada, sólo son gases.

¿Está seguro, Dr.?

Sí, no se preocupe, sé lo que digo, son sólo gases.

Después de algunos años, el señor estaba caminando con un niño vestido de marinerito y se encuentra con el médico; éste lo saluda muy atentamente y le pregunta:

¿Éste es su hijo?

Sí, Dr., pero para Ud. debe ser un pedo vestido de marinerito.

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?

The mother replies, Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.



OK said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?



They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert, the camel mother answers.



Thanks Mom replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??



The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.



Thats great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but… Mom?



Yes son?



Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?

Did you hear about the politician who dreamt that he was making a speech and woke up to discover he was.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook?

Steal a chicken…

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, Id give anything to sink this next putt.

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, Okay, and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.

The same stranger moves to his side and says, Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?

The golfer shrugs and says, Sure. He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?

The golfer says, Certainly! He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, You know, Ive really not been fair with you because you dont know who I am. Im the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.

Nice to meet you, says the golfer. My names…

Father OMalley!

NEW YORK (AP)–Seventy-two percent of Americans who believe in
Heaven rate their chances of going there as good to excellent, but
many say their friends chances are considerably worse, according to a
new poll.

A San Francisco man–wearing a full uniform and carrying a handgun
— impersonated a state fish and game warden for three months,
checking licenses, issuing citations and confiscating fish, officials
say. Brian Anthony Young told The Examiner that he posed as a game
warden out of boredom and drugs. He said he inspected more than 200
fishermen, boats, restaurants and stores.

At an Oklahoma rally for Republican Senator Don Nickles, Reagan urged
his listeners to support the re-election of Don Rickles.

New Delhi, India (AP)–Police kept 3,000 residents of a southern
Indian village indoors Sunday and put up roadblocks to enforce a
government ban on nude worship of a Hindu deity.

The commission that banned the festival was set up after a
confrontation a year ago between opponents of nude worship and the
naked devotees. Members of the pro-modesty faction tried to clothe
the worshipers, but were instead stripped by the devotees.

Several policemen and some journalists were also stripped, which
contributed to a state-wide protest.

The Metropolitan Indians of Italy produced parodies of posters and
graffiti in an attempt to expose the reality behind the empty
sloganizing of the Communists and the Italian Left parties. Examples
from 1972 include: LONG LIVE SACRIFICE, BOSSES POWER, MORE
WORK, LESS PAY, and ALL POWER TO THE DROMEDARIAT.

Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
Albert de Salve for his unselfish service to his country, his state
and his community.

The resolution stated that this compassionate gentlemans
dedication and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the
lonely throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of
concern for their future. He has been officially recognized by the
state of Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional
techniques involving population control and applied psychology.

The resolution was passed unanimously.

Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the
motion to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often
without reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salve
was the Boston Strangler.

When a street procession re-enacting the crucifixion (Easter, 1984)
was halted by traffic in west London, a group of local youths
surrounded the actor playing Jesus, cut loose his ropes, told him to
run for it and said that they would cover his getaway.

In the autumn of 1983 a tape recording of a telephone conversation
between President Reagan and Prime Minister Thatcher was sent
anonymously to newspapers in various parts of the world. A covering
note claimed that the tape was a recording of a crossed line on which
was heard part of the two leaders telephone conversation.

In January, 1984 the story was taken up by the Sunday Times and
the San Francisco Chronicle. The Sunday Times described the tape as
part of a KGB propaganda war. The U.S. State Department said that the
tape was evidence of an increasingly sophisticated Russian
disinformation campaign.

In fact the tape was made by members of the anarchist punk rock
group Crass. The tape had been produced by using parts of T.V. and
radio broadcasts made by the two leaders, then overdubbed with
telephone noises.