Old and New Jokes

Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.

In the beginning there was silence. Then God whistled. He whistled one whole note each day for seven days, and thus was the universe created, and also the musical scale. When God whistled, it wasnt the way we whistle. It was a really big, really loud, perfectly toned whistle that moved at the speed of light and created planets and civilizations in the wake of its vibrations. And God listened after the seventh note and heard that it was good. And He said, Damn, I like that tune.

So he put on his headphones and lay back and grooved on the sounds and echoes of the universe ringing with feedback from the first solo. For millions of eons, He grooved, until one day He got up, took off the headphones, and said, This riff is getting stale, and no one is dancing. But that was because He hadnt created anyone yet, and realizing this, He said, Let there be Negroes with funky souls who can shimmy and sway to my sounds, and there were.

But the Negroes just couldnt get into the same old scale over and over, so they said to God, Hey, give us some one-four-five blues-type progressions so we can get down, and He did. And it was good. And they jammed and danced and sang naturally and with carefree abandon for millions and millions of years.

Some of the Negroes, however, werent into that scene. They preferred to sit in the shade reading books about math and science and other boring subjects while their brothers danced and played and made love in the sun. Because He considered them indolent, God took away their fine skin color and made them into white men.

As this peculiar sect of white Negroes developed, they gradually lost their ability to dance and be free and natural with their bodies and they gave birth to withered, colorless babies, many of whom grew up to be accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians, and then it was 1950. God looked around and saw He had to do something before it was too late, so He created rock music.

And the skinny, withered, colorless babies of the accountants, lawyers, real estate brokers, and politicians of the fifties plucked their guitars, banged on their tambourines, and wailed into the void and became the superstars of the eighties. And God saw what He had created and put his headphones back on and said, Fuck it.

DONT MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE !!!
— God

The obituary editor of the Jerusalem Post is not one to admit his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name had been printed in the obituary column.

Really? replied the editor calmly. And where are you calling from?

A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though…

Its Hawaii Im telling you! she said.

Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! Havaii is how its pronounced! he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation…

As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, Now that were on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this Hawaii or Havaii?

This is Havaii, the man replied.

Ha! the husband said, turning to his wife, See, didnt I tell you never to argue with me? Im alllll-ways right! As the began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty Thank you!

Youre Velcome!!!

Q – Why do elephants travel in herds?

A – Because is they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.

Q – What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill?

A – Look, here comes the elephants!

Q – What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill wearing sun glasses?

A – Nothing – she didnt recognize them.

Q – How can you tell if there is an elephant in bed with you?

A – By the giant E on its pyjamas.

Q – How can you tell if an elephant has crawled under the bed during the night?

A – You are currently having an intimate relationship with the ceiling.

Q – How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?

A – If all your trashcan liners are missing.

Q – Why does an elephant have four feet?

A – Because 8 inches isnt enough!

Q – Where do elephants have their sex organs?

A – In their feet – If an elephant steps on you, youre fucked!

Q – Why did the Elephant cross the road?

A – Because it was handcuffed to the chicken.

The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to
constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every
appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA
statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This
also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.

— FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers

One bright sunny day, a beautiful blonde girl was cruising the countryside in her new, shiny red sports car. Suddenly, she jammed on the brakes, and she brought the car to a sideways, screeching halt. She quickly jumped out of the car, and ran up the road a little way, to where she began fuming in anger.

For there, about 40 feet in front of her, in the middle of the road, were two other beautiful young blondes, sitting in a rowboat. One was on the middle seat, straining her arms and pulling for all she was worth on a set of oars, while the other was in the bow of the boat shouting through a megaphone, Stroke! Stroke!

So infuriated was the first blonde at these two and their foolishness, that she began pacing back forth on the pavement, throwing gravel and dirt at them from her place on the road, and she screamed at the top of her lungs, You two are so stupid, and if I could swim, Id come out there and kick both your behinds!!

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, Martha, Id like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Martha would say, I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, Martha, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied, Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.
The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal, Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars. Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt.
Stumpy replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
opens window.
asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination promptly.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit positive its the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks hes right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
finally rolls down window.
hocks a loogie.
pulls up to a 7-11.
gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
farts.
after he closes the door.
laughs at looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
almost hits a deer.
curses the night.
curses you.
curses the large slurpee.
stops by the side of the road.
takes a leak.
still taking a leak.
almost done.
I think.
returns to car.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
yells at you for suggesting the map again.
admits he didnt want to do Thanksgiving at your sisters.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldnt find a dictionary.
finally found a dictionary.
Couldnt spell pernicious.
seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside…
And of course youre still lost.

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40years by his bedside. "Jack, Ive got to confess. Ive been sleeping with your wifefor 30 years and Im the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, Ive beenstealing from the firm for a decade.""Relax," says Jack, "anddont think another thing about it. Im the one who put arsenic in your martini."