Un borracho está buscando una fiesta y ve una casa con mucha gente afuera. Entra y dice gritando:
Tres hurra por el santo.
Caballero, esto no es un cumpleaños sino un velorio, le recrimina una señora.
Mirando el cajón del difunto, el beodo contesta:
Ah, ya me parecÃa muy grande la torta.
Did you here about the lucky fisherman??
He married a gal with WORMS.
Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. – Chris Jarocha-Ernst
Did you hear the one about the Indian who slept in the hotel lobby because
he didnt have a reservation?
You dont have to swim faster than the shark,
just faster than the guy next to you.
An Irishman, Englishman andScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands themover, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.The Scotsman picks out thefly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.The Irishman reaches in tothe glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit itout, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Blonde secretarys memo to her boss:
TO: My Boss
FROM: Blondie
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K
I hope that I havent misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.
Your loyal secretary!
Here
you will find the top 45 oxymorons.
An oxymoron is
a combination of two words that are completely
opposite in meaning. In the dictionary youll find:
"A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory
terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a
mournful optimist."
Youve
probably heard many of these before but didnt realize that they fall within
this category.
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt head
26. Military intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Child Proof
21. Now, then …
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
…And the number 1 oxymoron is..
1. Microsoft Works
One guy says to another guy, Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day…
Right away, his friend interrupts him, Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!
So he starts again, Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephews Bar Mitzvah…
An old Jewish man asked on his deathbed to convert to Christianity.
His family was shocked. Why would you do such a thing? they
asked.
I know Im about to die, he replied, and I figure, better
one of them than one of us!