Old and New Jokes

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.



The first guy said, My wife, she thinks so much of me that she wont let me do any work around the house. Its incredible!



The second guy says, Thats nothing. My wife thinks Im God!



She thinks youre God? What makes you say that?



Easy…Every night she places a burnt offering before me!

ABC Americas Mickey Mouse Network



Allstate Sears-ious Insurance



AOL Weve Got You by the Wires



AT&T No, WEVE Got You by the Wires



Burger King Wait for It Your Way



CBS Welcome Home. Hey, Where the Hell Is Everyone?



Chevrolet GEO Whiz, We Like Toyota



Chrysler The Mercedes-Benz of American Cars



Coca-Cola New Coke Was Pepsis Idea



Democratic National Party Bill Clinton? Never Heard of Him



Disney Available in Stores for a Limited Time Only



Eveready Nothing Really Keeps on Going Forever



Ford Quality is Somebody Elses Job



Ernest & Julio Gallo: We Will Have No Hangover before Its Time



General Electric Were a Lot Like RCA



Honda Just As Good As Hyundai. Really



IBM Windows Is Just a Fad



JERZEES Fit to a T



KIA Killed in Action?



Little Debbie Snackcakes Our Name Says It All



LOreal Im Worth It, and Whats It To Ya?



Maytag The Fix Is On



McDonalds Did Somebody Say Cholesterol?



Microsoft Breaking Up Is Hard To Do



NBC Formerly Known As Must See TV



Nike Just Do It and Get Arrested



Norelco Running Circles around Blades



Old Navy Can You Ever Forgive Us?



Oscar Meyer We Are NOT about Spelling



Pepsi-Cola That Clear Crap Was Cokes Idea



Pizza Hut Nobody Beats Our Meat Lovers Special



?Que Pasa? Not Really a Name Brand



RCA Going to the Dogs



Republican National Party The Potatoe People



Sony We Just Cant Top the Walkman



Sprite Obey Our Ads



Seven-Up Up Yours, Cola Bastards



Subway We Are Not Public Transportation, Dammit



Toyota Slightly Better Than Hyundai



Unicorns Sorry We Missed the Ark



Volkswagen Buyers Wanted. Hey, Were Dying Out Here



Whirlpool Not Nearly As Wet As We Sound



Xerox The Original Copycats



Young Again We Wish



Zebra Sort of Like a Black and White Striped Horse



Zerox See Us at Xerox

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes.





2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks.





3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes.





4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site – 1 minute.





5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days.





6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes.





7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do – 15 minutes.





8. View the source of others pages, steal some, change a few words here and there – 4 hours.





9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software – 1 minute.





10. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours.





11. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds.





12. Set the texts font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone – 4 hours.





13. Download a counter from your ISP – 4 minutes.





14. Try to figure out why your counter reads You are visitor number -16.3 E10 – 3 hours.





15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text – 8 hours.





16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP – 40 minutes.





17. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second.





18. Recreate your web page – 2 days.





19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISPs server – 3 weeks.





20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP – 30 minutes.





21. Download FTP software – 10 minutes.





22. Call your friend again – 15 minutes.





23. Upload your web page to your ISPs server – 10 minutes.





24. Connect to your site on the web – 1 minute.





25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps – eternity.

If your mother is a washing machine and your father is a competative hot dog eater, what are you?



NO! because dog houses cant fly!

REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST

– All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!

– Clark Kent style safety glasses

.- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.

– The opportunity to deal with irate clients asking where are my results?

– Because its pHun 🙂

– Access to 100% pure ethanol

– Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

– You never have to worry about what youre doing on Friday night (Youre working in the lab)

– Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.

– You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.

– ditto for cancer

– You are adept at poverty cooking

– You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that youve been waking up grumpy every morning.

Client: No, I always let him sleep.

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was
dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next
to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he asked
the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you got
arthritis by drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and
reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started
to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and
asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had
arthritis.

A Sioux woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. I want a tooth pulled, and I dont want any pain killers because Im in a big hurry, the Sioux woman said. Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and well be on our way.

The dentist was quite impressed. Youre certainly a courageous woman, he said. Which tooth is it?

The Sioux woman turned to her husband and said, Show him your tooth, dear.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting.

Attached: Extended Job Code List

Code Number
———-Explanation
———-
5316Useless Meeting
5317Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319Waiting for Break
5320Waiting for Lunch
5321Waiting for End of Day
5322Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
5393Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
5401Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481Buying Snack
5482Eating Snack
5500Filling Out Timesheet
5501Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502Waiting for Something to Happen
5503Scratching Yourself
5504Sleeping
5510Feeling Bored
5511Feeling Horny
5600Complaining About Lousy Job
5601Complaining About Low Pay
5602Complaining About Long Hours
5603Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604Complaining About Boss
5605Complaining About Personal Problems
5640Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701Not Actually Present At Job
5702Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102Ordering Out
6103Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201Stealing Company Goods
6202Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205Hiding from Boss
6206Gossip
6207Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211Updating Resume
6212Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213Out of Office on Interview
6221Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223Pretending You Like Coworker
6224Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
6238Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6602Complaining
6603Writing a Book on Company Time
6611Staring Into Space
6612Staring At Computer Screen
6615Transcendental Meditation
7281Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000Recreational Drug Use
8001Non-recreational Drug Use
8002Liquid Lunch
8100Reading e-mail