Old and New Jokes

A cannibal and
his son are going to look for food. They hide behind some bushes and waited
for someone to come by.
After a few minutes, a skinny man comes by. The son says "How about
him, dad?" "No," says the father, "hes too skinny."
A short time later, a fat man wanders by. "What about that guy,
dad?" asks the son. "Too much cholesterol."
A little later, a pretty, 20 year old lady walks by. The son asks, "Dad,
how about her?" The father replies "Yes! Lets take her home
and eat your mother!"

Steve Wright:

I wrote a song, but I cant read music so I dont know what it is. Every once in a while Ill be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.

A blonde was determined to prove to her husband that all blondes were not dumb, so she decided to paint the living room.

Her husband came home and found her painting while wearing a leather jacket with a ski jacket over it.

When he asked her why she was wearing the jackets, she said the instructions said it was better with two coats.

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didnt know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH… U.P… A.P… BBC… NBC… ETC…

About twelve midnight local time an old man in a red suit and a long white beard was arrested while trying to gain entrance into the white house. Due to all the recent incidents at the white house, security has been extra tight and despite the old mans protest that he was just trying to deliver some gifts, the secret service had him locked up by twelve ten pm.

When the president was contacted his only comment was it must have been Rush Limbaugh, since he knew everyone else in the country loved him.

The old mans transportation (a sleigh and eight animals) was taken to the FBI lab for a complete search.

When the whole incident was over, the president gave a sigh or relief and said MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL is that okay Hill???

Oh well a weak attempt at humor on a full stomach. Eat too much venison for Christmas Dinner. Hope you all have a real nice Christmas and a Happy New Year.

A mother was pleased with the card her son had made her for Christmas, but was puzzled as to the scraggly-looking tree from which many presents dangled, and at the very top, something that looked strangely like a bullet.

She asked him if he would explain the drawing and why the tree itself was so bare, instead of a fat pine tree.

Its not a Christmas tree. he said. Its a cartridge in a pear tree.

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:

My old boyfriend and I werent compatible. Im a virgo and hes an asshole!

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb…to his.

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesnt do wonders cleaning this
up, Ill eat every chunk of it.

She turns to him with a smirk and says, You want ketchup on that?

The salesman says, Why do you ask?

She says, We just moved in and we havent got the electricity turned
on yet.

President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, Mr. President . . . Bill . . . since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, wed like for you to throw out the first pitch.

President Clinton say excitedly, SURE, ID LOVE TOO…SOUUUIIEEEE!



So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd . . . the crowd applauds…Bill does the Presidential wave thing…and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. SOUUUUIIEEEE. The crowd goes WILD!



George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, That was just FANTASTIC…but I said throw out the first PITCH!