Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.
14
Jun
14
Jun
You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. – Frank Zappa.
Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. – Ernest Hemingway.
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. – Winston Churchill.
He was a wise man who invented beer. – Plato.
Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time. – Catherine Zondonella.
A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to thank her. – W. C. Fields.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it. – Churchills reply.
Sir, youre drunk! – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
Yes madam, and youre ugly. But in the morning I will be sober. – Churchills reply.
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. – David Daye.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. – Jack Handy.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. – Dave Barry.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. – Humphrey Bogart.
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. – David Moulton.
People who drink light beer dont like the taste of beer, they just like to pee a lot. – Capital Brewery, Middleton, Wisconsin.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. – Kaiser Wilhelm.
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. – Homer Simpson.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. – Unknown
I drink to make other people interesting. – George Jean Nathan.
They who drink beer will think beer. – Washington Irving.
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway in For Whom the Bell Tolls.
Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. – Dean Martin.
All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me – so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer. – Homer Simpson.
14
Jun
Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.
As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.
Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice.
When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partners desk.
I want to fatten it up as fast as possible she said.
Sally got the job
14
Jun
Una noche, una pareja de novios decide ir al cine, ya sentados en sus respectivas butacas, el novio comenzó a preguntarle a la novia:
¿De quién es esa boquita?
Tuyita, tuyita, le contesta la novia.
Después le tocó una teta y le preguntó:
Amorcito, ¿de quién es esta teta?
Tuyita, tuyita.
Le tocó la otra y de igual manera ella contestó: tuyita, tuyita.
Después, le tocó las piernas, preguntando de quién es esta piernita, y ella: tuyita, tuyita.
Después, le tocó el culo, volviendo a preguntar de quién es este culito. Ella se queda callada, él pregunta nuevamente, un poco alto, de quién es este culo, y ella sigue sin responder. Subiendo más la voz, el novio vuelve a preguntar de quién es este culo; un borracho sentado en la butaca delantera, grita diciendo:
¡Enciendan la luz que hay un culo perdido!
14
Jun
Un señor iba caminando por la calle pero calléndose de borracho, entonces al dar la vueta a la esquina ve un rostro de una mujer que le resulta familiar y empieza a gritar:
¡Ramera cabrona! ¡Ramera cabrona! y nada más nadie volteaba, asà que comienza a gritar más fuerte: ¡Ramera cabrona!
En eso un señor lo para y le dice:
Oiga usted, cómo se atreve a decirle eso a esa dama.
Pues que yo le estaba dicieno su nombre.
No señor, usted le estaba diciendo ramera cabrona.
Y termina el borracho diciendo:
Con razon no voltea. Yo lo que creà que decÃa era el nombre de mi prima: Ramona Cabrera.
14
Jun
Tres ratones se encuentran y empiezan a contarse sus aventuras:
Yo, cuando me aburro, busco un cepo, me meto debajo, cojo el queso y me lo como sin despeinarme.
El segundo dice:
Eso no es nada, yo cuando tengo hambre cojo una bolsa de matarratas y me la como mientras me bebo una cerveza y veo una pelÃcula… y no me pasa nada!
El otro dice:
Tenéis razón, sois muy arriesgados. Siento no poder quedarme más pero es que tengo que ir a casa a follarme al gato.
14
Jun
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husbands lawyer arose and said, Isnt it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, What was that date again ?
14
Jun
The Top 5 Men in a Womans life are:
1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks where do you want it, front or back?
A Decorator says how do you like it now that it’s up?
A Bank manager says don’t take it out you’ll lose interest!
14
Jun
The Tearful Bride…
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, Robert doesnt appreciate what I do for him.
Now, now, her mother comforted, I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.
No, mother, you dont understand.
I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!
Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! says her mom.
Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.
No, mother it wasnt the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.
Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?
Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –
Prepare from a frozen state, so I flew to Alaska!
14
Jun
This is a story about Johnnies day at school….Johnnies teacher got up
in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing
game! The teacher said, I have something behind my back. Its red in
color and round. Its soft, but its hard.
Johnnie raised his hand and
said, Teacher, I know its a red rubber ball. The teacher said, No
Johnnie, its an apple, but I like the way that you think.
Next the
teacher grabbed another object and put it behind her back. I have
something behind my back. Its orange in color and round. Its soft,
but its hard, said Johnnies teacher.
Johnnie raised his hand again
and said, Teacher, teacher, I know its an orange rubber ball. The
teacher looked at Johnnie and said, No Johnnie, its an orange, but I
like the way that you think.
Johnnie was now getting the hang of it so
he asked the teacher if he could try one. Johnnie grabbed an object and
put it behind his back and said, I have something behind my back. Its
pink in color and its LONG. Its soft, but its HARD.
The teacher,
getting upset, yelled at Johnnie, Now Johnnie, Im going to have to tell
the principal about this perverted behavior. Johnnie stopped her and
said, But, teacher all I have is my pink eraser, but I like the way
that you THINK!!!
Julian Cowley, Laboratory for Educational Inquiry