Old and New Jokes

Calkins Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. Awww, look at the dead birdie, she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, Where? Where?

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A1:
10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three. . . one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

A3: Two. . . one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles?

SPARKY!!!

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, No… the bees never touched me – but doesnt that calf have a mother!?!

One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, I bet you I can push my fathers outhouse into the river. She didnt agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that they learned was never tell a lie. After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He said, Son, did you push my outhouse into the river? Johnny said, Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I did. His dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read the newspaper off of Johnnys rear end. After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked his father,Dad, why did you whoop me? I didnt lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didnt lie about it, and he didnt get a whooping. Johnnys dad looked at him and said, Son, I bet George Washingtons dad wasnt sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?

5 secrets to romantic happiness

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesnt lie.

4. It is important to find a man whos good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

5. It is important that these four men never meet

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:

When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word

ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet? OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet? Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:

Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldnt have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:

Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:

Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. Im told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:

Never buy a man anything that says some assembly required on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent mens stores. It doesnt matter if he doesnt know what it is. From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isnt this a starter for a 68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.

Rule #11

Men enjoy danger. Thats why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?

Rule #12:

Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts. Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:

Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you dont know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:

Its hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8 manilla rope. No one knows why.

Its getting close to going home time at the infants school. Teacher is chatting to the kids.

Teacher: Johnny, what did you do today?

Johnny: I played in the sand pit, miss.

Teacher: Thats very good. Ill let you go a bit early, if you can spell pit.

Johnny: P-I-T, miss.

Teacher: Very good, off you go. Mary, what did you do today?

Mary: I played in the sand with Johnny, miss.

Teacher: Ill let you go if you can spell sand.

Mary: S-A-N-D, miss.

Teacher: Well done, off you go. What about you Leroy?

Leroy: Johnny and Mary wouldnt let me play in the sand pit, miss. I think its blatent racial discrimination.

Teacher: Well, if you can spell racial discrimination…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Deanna!
Deanna who?
Deanna-mals are restless open the cage!