Old and New Jokes

4th RunnerUp

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skaters rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.



3rd RunnerUp



Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.



2nd RunnerUp



The Why Yawning Is Contagious Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other peoples ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.



1st RunnerUp



If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.



HONORABLE MENTION:



The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian pahks his cah, the lost rs migrate southwest, causing a Texan to warsh his car and invest in erl wells.



THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:



When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A buttered-cat array could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and giant buttered-cat arrays could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.

One day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!” in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.” “Really?” said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David “Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!” Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?” Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?” David replied” Me too man, but I have one question for you.” Jim said, “Sure man what is it” “Have you farted yet man?” Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?” “Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!”

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.

The workbench is always untidier than last time.

Masterbating is like cheating. Its fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself!!!

Doctor: “I’m sorry to say that the check you gave me has bounced back.”

Banta: “It is right doctor, so has my fever.”

A You shine a flashlight in her ear.

The plane was flying over African jungle when the engine failed. Its
three passengers, one from England, one from Germany and one from France
had to jump out of the plane with their parachutes. After a safe landing
they started looking for civilisation, but unfortunately fell into the
hands of the local cannibals. They were brought in front of the tribe
leader. He looked at them and said:

You again!

The night was young, the moon was high,

We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,

I new just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.

I ran my finger down her spin.

I dont know how but i tried my best,

As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.

And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,

And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, its all over now.

My first time ever…

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…Milking a cow!

(And what were YOU thinking about?)

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the mans car bumper.

Then he yelled, Pull, Nellie, pull.

Benny didnt move.

Then he yelled, Come on, pull Ranger.

Still, Benny didnt move.

Then he yelled really loud, Now pull, Fred, pull hard.

Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said,

Okay, Benny, pull.

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldnt even try.