Old and New Jokes

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Babys Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You dont bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didnt do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?

Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them.

A red head said, O.K., whats the capital of Wyoming? The blonde replied, Oh, thats easy, W.

Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called Gilligans Island. There is, however, a dark secret about this comedy you may never have realized. The island is a direct representation of Hell.

Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave. Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

Ginger represents LUST – she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

Mary Ann represents ENVY – she is jealous of Gingers beauty.

The Professor represents PRIDE – he is an annoying know-it-all.

Mr. Howell represents GREED – no explanation needed.

Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH – she has never lifted a finger to help on any of their escape plans.

The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY – again, no explanation needed and ANGER – he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy? He does wear red in every episode.

Q. Why did the blind man give up skydiving?

A. It was scaring the hell out of his dog!

Dave Wallace

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO (health maintenance organization) have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their lives.

The doctor says, I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of poor people.

Saint Peter says, Thats great. Go ahead into heaven. And what about you, nurse?

The nurse says, Ive supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.

Saint Peter replies, Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?

The HMO director says, I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.

Saint Peter says, Oh, I see. Please go in … but you can only stay two nights!

Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A1: One – she holds the lightbulb in the socket, stands still and lets the world revolve around her.

A2: 1,000 – One to do it and 999 to say *I* could have done it *better*…

A3: Two – One to do it, and one to push the ladder out from under her.

A4: Three. One to do it, her understudy, and one to say she could have done it better.

Two men were talking.
So, hows your sex life?
Oh, nothing special. Im having Social Security sex.
Social Security sex?
Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!

Kirk,

your prayers were not answered! As expected 49ers bit the crap out of the Chargers. Maybe if you start praying now, by next year, god might pitty you.

Now a question?

Assumption:

If a game is played in one and only one country. And they have a tournament. for all the teams in that country, I believe it would be called National Championship!

Question:

Then why the heck are the Superbowl Champions called World Champions?

Last I heard, there are many more countries in the world, besides USA. Shouldnt another country, heck even CANADA would do be involved for it to be called the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP.

Any takers????

KIRK????