Old and New Jokes

If he or she is awake.

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

(just say it to confuse people)

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

Well.. she said each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box

And what about the thousand pound? asked the old man.

Well… Replies the woman Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them

Husband and wife in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband: Darling, take off my dress. The husband complies.

And now, she says in a husky voice, Take off my high heel shoes. Thats nice. Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good. Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood. And finally, take off my panties, will you? Thank you.

AND DONT YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEAR ANY OF THEM AGAIN!!!

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)

(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much Id dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat thats hard to bear.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.

(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin hotly.
Cesium shinin so bright.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.

(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give em that glow.
Cesium —
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!

(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!

They needed Cesium!
Flamin madly.
Cesium burnin so blue.
Cesium —
Shared between them.
Cesium to make their love true.

(4)
Come to the end of my story.
Got to the point that I made.
Cesiums the stuff to heat you up,
And you aint gonna find no shade!

Youll need cesium!
As you sizzle.
Cesium some comfort to earn.
Cesium —
Its almighty.
What a lovely way to burn!

— Songs of Cesium #96

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.

After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast. Gina, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

Even worse, she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!

Hes an jerk, piss on him.

You did, Gina informed him. And he fired you.

Well, screw him!, said John.

I did. Youre back at work on Monday!

Washing Ironing, Food and Entertainment

A doctor rushed out of his study room. Get me my bag! he shouted. Why, whats the matter? inquired his pretty young wife.

Some fellow just phoned and said he cant live without me, he gasped as he reached for his hat. The young wife sighed. Just a moment, she said gently. I think that call was for me.