Old and New Jokes

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the mornings relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yamulka skull cap, over his wifes exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbis a goner.

CEO frequently overheard mumbling, Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe.
Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4.
Dr. Kervorkian hired as Transition Consultant.
Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, Its Now Safe to Start Looking for Work.
Company softball team downsized to chess team.
Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
Your boss keeps asking you when he can show your cubicle.
Company president now driving a Hyundai.
Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Attic.
Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Company Is Planning A Layoff…
President begins weekly meetings, Good morning, you ignorant bastards.

A man was walking on the beach and he found a lamp. A genie came out and the guy said, So do I get 3 wishes?

The genie said, No. Im in a bad mood, so you only get two.

The guy, who had fairly dark skin, wished to be white and surounded by pussy, so the genie turned him into a tampon.

The moral of the story is that you dont get anything without strings attached.

Three pregnant woman were sitting in a Gyneas waiting room (of course, one was blonde, one was a redhead and one was a brunnette).

The brunette proudly says Im gonna have a son coz my husband was on top!

Then the red says If thats the case, then Im gonna have a daughter coz I was on top!.

All of a sudden the blonde gets hysterical and cries IM GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!

Q. How do you recognize a surrealistic Mafioso?

A. Carries a giraffe in his violin case and make you an offer that uses biomorphic forms and accidental effects that approach abstraction, to compensate for the sociopolitical and religious forces that are found so oppressive and stultifying in contemporary society.

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle… and one to change the bulb.

There were two blondes driving along, and they passed this paddock. And in the middle of this paddock, there was another blonde rowing a boat.

The blonde that was driving the car then said to her friend Its blondes like that, that give us blondes a bad name. I am this far from swimming out there and slapping her

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ivor!
Ivor who?
Ivor good mind not to tell you now!

Gumpersons Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.