Old and New Jokes

YO mama is sooo white that when she puts on make-up she looks dirty!

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says Sorry we dont serve snails and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says… What did you do that for!

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes
the body away, Simmo says, Someone should go and tell his wife. Macca says, OK, Im pretty good at that sensitive stuff, Ill do it. Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says, Where did you get that, Mac? Chooks missus gave it to me. Thats unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer? Macca says, Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Chooks widow. She said, No, Im not a widow. And I said, Wanna bet me a slab?

Darling, whispered a frail little husband from his chair.

Im very sick, would you please call me a vet?

A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor? asked his wife.

The husband replied, Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow!

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you arent disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didnt *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. 1,228, he answered. Thats right! You may enter. St. Peter turned to the lawyer. Name them.

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Heres a small list…

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee shes holding in her lap while driving,

she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,

you blame the rock n roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,

your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,

you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess Ill just never understand the world as it is anymore…

So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke – I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Una chica va a un monasterio y le manifiesta sus temores a un religioso:

Padre, me han dicho que en este claustro si rezo un credo, una salve o algo así, me quedo embarazada.

No, hija mía, es un padrenuestro, pero ahora está de vacaciones.

The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre
sure youre not raising them right.

How does a New Zealander make a u-turn?

He winks at it.