Old and New Jokes

Its not hard to meet expenses, theyre everywhere.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it
in six or twelve pieces.

A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they dont have chocolate in heaven, I aint going.
4. At my age, Ive seen it all, done it all, heard it all … I just cant remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men … Some things are just better rich.
8. Dont treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything.
12. My husband could have had any women he pleased – he just couldnt please any!
13. Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I used to be schizophrenic, but were OK now.
16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
17. Of course I dont look busy … I did it right the first time.
18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
20. My husband is the head of the household, but Im the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).
21. Im one of those bad things that happen to good people.
22. How can I miss you if you wont go away?
23. Sorry if I looked interested. Im not.
24. If we are what we eat, Im fast, cheap and easy.
25. I run things at my house! (the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc.)

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, I want to open a damn checking account.



The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?



Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!



Im very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.



So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, What seems to be the problem here?



Theres no damn problem, the man says, I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!



I see, says the manager, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb?
None. A Real Woman would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

Three men walk into the CIA headquarters and ask to be hired. A man there replies, OK, but first we have to test your loyalty. He says to the first man: Heres a gun to prove your loyalty. We have your wife in the other room. Go shoot her.

So he goes in and he comes out fifteen minutes later and says: I tried, but I just can not do it.

The next guy goes in and the same thing happens.

Then the last guy goes in and sees his wife sitting there. The man who is testing him is waiting to here gunshots, and then he hears BANG… BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Then tons of crashing and banging. The man with the gun comes out, and the man who is testing him says,

Congratulations! You are now a member of the CIA, to which the man replies: Yea, great, thanks, but some idiot put blanks in the gun! I had to kill her with the chair!

A: The moron Tab & apple choir.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Its irrelevant; they still dont know theyre in the dark!

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.