Old and New Jokes

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Daves porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, Mabel, Id sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.

Well then, why dont you? Mabel whispered back. It is YOUR cow.

Era un concurso internacional a ver quien de un pedo aventaba más lejos un cadáver. Se inscribieron un gringo, un italiano y un mexicano. Para prepararse quince días antes del concurso, los tres se pusieron un tapón.

El gringo comenzó a comer hot dogs, hamburguesas y ham and eggs; el italiano comió pizzas, espagueti y ravioli; el mexicano se atascó de frijoles, garnachas y tacos de todos tipos. Y empezaron a agarrar presión para el día del concurso.

Llego el día y el primero que pasó fue el gringo. Se puso en posición, le colocaron el cadáver, se quitó el tapón y empezo a pujar. Se aventó un pedo y mandó el cadáver a cinco metros.

Después vino el italiano, se puso en posición, le pusieron el cadaver, se quitó el tapón y empezó a pujar; se aventó un pedo y lanzó el cadáver a siete metros.

Le tocó el turno al mexicano, se puso en posición, le pusieron el cadaver, se quitó el tapón, y la porra gritando: México, México, ra, ra, ra. Y empezó el pinche mexicano a pujar, se puso colorado, se le inflaron los cachetes y hasta le salieron lagrimitas de los ojos, y la porra: Mexico, Mexico, ra, ra, ra, y nada que podía, hasta que por fin se oyó un pequeño piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. Toda la gente se quedo atónita, y en eso se paró el cadáver, se tapó las narices y le dijo al mexicano: Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingas a tu madre, se fue caminado y cayó a 20 metros, y con eso ganó el mexicano.

En un restaurante, un comensal le ordena al mesero:

Mesero, déme un huevo duro.

El mesero lo atiende y le lleva el huevo. Tiempo después, el tipo grita enojado:

Mesero, este huevo está blando.

El mesero se acerca a la mesa, mira al huevo y exclama:

¡Cállate, huevo hijo de puta!

There are 3 basic types of people in the world:

1. Those who can count.



2. Those who cant.

There was a man, who walked into a small Chinatown shop to look around.
He saw a golden rat, and asked the oriental behind the counter how much it
cost.

Golden Rat, one hundred dollar. Story behind Golden Rat three
hundred dollar.

The man decided just to buy the Golden Rat, so he pays
for it and leaves.

A rat that was in the shop follows him out, as does a
rat in the alley outside. Before hes walked a street away, hes being
followed by ten rats, then a hundred, then a thousand. The man starts to
panic, and starts running away, while more and more rats follow him. He
ran right across the town, and got himself trapped by the sea. He
hesitated for a second, then dives off the wharf and starts swimming.

Looking back, he saw that the rats were still following him, but the
second they hit the water, they turned to stone and sank. About fifteen
minutes later (well, it takes a while to kill ten thousand rats), the man
swam back to shore, and walked back to the shop.

When he walked in, the
guy behind the counter said Ahhhh. You come back for story about Golden
Rat.

The man replied No, I was just wondering if you have any Golden
[ethnics].

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.’

(From the 7:30 news this morning on CKKW:)

Four peregrine falcon chicks will be raised at the
University of Waterloo and then released locally.
They are expected to eat pigeons and other small
birds. This is part of a Canada-wide effort to
increase the number of endangered species.

At least one, but it better be a big lightbulb

A little girl is sitting on her grandpas lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa."Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl."Yes, He did, and that wasnt too long ago," answers her grandpa."Boy," says the little girl, "Hes sure doing a lot better job these days isnt He?"