Old and New Jokes

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter R, and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare. In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates–many of them already laughing at him–then replied, Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasnt cooked enough.

From Rick Marshall, pastor of Crossroads Bible Church, San Jose:

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing
my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a
man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have
cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income,
and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still cant sleep, I will send the rest.

Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.

I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son. See? Its a baby, I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.

I dont want a baby, I dont want a baby, he was saying.

He sounds just like his father, my daughter replied!

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can handle, he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor.

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, Prepare three envelopes…

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid youll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?

Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear.

Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

Mother: A swallow!

A ventriloquist cowboy walks onto a ranch…



Cowboy to Rancher:

Cowboy: Is that your dog?

Rancher: Yup.

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to him?

Rancher: Durn fool, dont you know dogs dont talk.

Cowboy: So whats the harm? May I?

Rancher: Go right ahead.





Cowboy to dog:

Dog; Howdy.

Dog: Hello. (Ranchers eyes pop out)

Cowboy: Is this your master? (pointing to the rancher)

Dog: Yep, sure is.

Cowboy: Does he treat you alright?

Dog: Sure does, every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.





Rancher is standing there dumbfounded.



Cowboy to Rancher:

Rancher: Is that your horse over there?

Rancher: Yes.

Cowboy: Mind if I speak to him?

Rancher: I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses cant talk.

Cowboy: Well then what would it hurt?

Rancher: Go right ahead.





Cowboy to horse:

Cowboy: Hello.

Horse: Hello.





Rancher cant believe it.



He stands there with his jaw wide open.



Cowboy: Is that your owner?

Horse: Yup, sure is.

Cowboy: He treat you OK?

Horse: Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.

Cowboy: Sounds good. (turns to the rancher) are those your sheep out here?





Rancher is beside himself:

Rancher: Th-Th-Th-Them sheep out there, theyre nuttin but a bunch of liars!!

Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.



You cant dear, Mollys in heat, said the mother.



Whats heat, Momma? asked Johnny.



Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him, said Momma.



Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I cant cause shes in heat. Whats heat?



His dad was cleaning his tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Mollys rear end. Dont worry about it, son. This will fix her. With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.



About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.



Wheres Molly? his dad asked.



She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy, answered Little Johnny,



But dont worry: one of the neighbors dogs is pushing her home.

History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.

An Issaquah, Washington man apparently became frustrated with his personal
computer, pulled out a gun and shot it. The computer, located in the mans
home office, had four bullets holes in its hard drive and one in the
monitor. Police evacuated the mans townhouse complex, contacted the irate
PC owner by phone, and persuaded him to come out. We dont know if it
wouldnt boot up or what, says one of the police officers at the scene.

St. Petersburg Times – July 20, 1997