Old and New Jokes

The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African womens
magazine called Femina. Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement
for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as
vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide, most
of them from women who were clearly unsure as to what exactly was wrong with
them. The letters were collected by Win Kuppers, boss of the advertising agency
that created the Femina article and who swears that every single one of them is
genuine.

My interesting language is English, so you better send me an English copy of
your vaginitis.
Please send me the following symptoms: itching, discharge, unpleasant smell.
I am one of those with a virginal problem.
I will be very grateful if my disease were acceptable.
Dear Sirs, greetings as patient to you, but I have not got enough time to
express my sickness over this paper.
I want to come by myself to confess my sickness to you after I use this
Nelex.
The trouble is my vaginitis and that Im so ugly.
How can I get vaginal infection? Most chemists cannot help.
Is vaginitis normal, or does it occur by mistakes like having sex.
My husband is not happy with the behavior of my vagina at bed time.
Please send me more information about these vaginal erections.
My symptoms are some of the ones you didnt mention, so please send me
another medicine.
Every boyfriend left me and made another girl pregnant, so maybe you can
help me.
With modern life of anonymous infection, I have found your vaginal infection
very handy and unavoidable.
I tried Dettol, Omo and also pure brandy. All in vain.
My problem is itching, burning pain after intercourse when the weather is
cold or foggy.
I am a young lady of 1963. Will you please send me more news about my
virginia pains during intercourse, even when Im not having intercourse at all.
I use to have sex eight to ten times a day. Now I am very dry. I went to the
hospital and thay told me I have too much sex. Maybe I should move to Durban for
the humidity.
I am a girl of 21 years of edge. Can you help me with virginial infractions.
Last night the virginial infections suddenly attacked me. What do you want
me to do.
Please send me Nelex. I am so sick I will even pay for it.
My virginia is wide open, but I only slept with my husband alone, but he
says I am a bitch I slept with many men. Can you close my virginia for me.
I really want a baby, but I dont want to be pregnant.
The first time I noticed vaginal infection was in your advert.
My vargin is beginning to irritate me. I scream at it sometimes but it
doesnt help.
Sometimes my anus produces an unpleasant smell.
Please send my letter back so I can remember what I have written.
Please advertise more so that I can remember that I have an infection.
I stopped to have sexual intercourse with my husband, but he hasnt stopped
with me.
My problem is I feel itching even when my husband romances me with his
erection.
I never told anyone about my symptoms, now I see them publicly advertised.
I am 42 years old, but the infections started when I was much older.
…and please reply as soon as it is convenient for me.
I have pain during sex, and also during intercourse.
My virgin is badly leaking. Does Nelex work like a cork.
When I was 13 I spray my vagina with Airoma room-freshener. Now I am 18 and
I need your help.
Please send any good and large information to my suffering vagina.
According to symptoms advertised, I have discovered four of them in my
Promised One. She urges me so help me to help her.
My new address is (address supplied) …but please send your reply to my old
address.
Can I get vaginal infection without prescription.
Nelex the effective treatment, is it also effective in Zimbabwe.
My husband does not know where I live A AC so we never have sex.
I have never had sex, but I have this virginity problem.
The bath water must have infected me, although I swear nobody bathed after
me in the same water.
I have reorganised my virginia recently.
It is easy to know when I have vaginitis, but how do I know when I do not
have vaginitis.
How are you at that side of Randburg? I hail to you with my wifes vaginal
infection from Zimbabwe.
…but I know that some people order the thing without knowing them of
seeing in other words they order them for nothing without using them.
I am 20 years old and will be 21 sooner than expected.
I cannot tell my mother about it; she has no vagina.
The last time I looked for my vaginitis, I could not find it anywhere.
My vagina was discharged recently.
My vagina is deceased.
I am a doll of 19 and I want to introduce my itchy vagina to you.
I hope you are in a favourable condition for my vaginitis.
I have this virginity disease. I hope my letter arrives at tea time so you
can study it better.
I dont know if the smell really comes from my vagina. My nose cannot reach
it properly.
…but I promise, my body also has some healthy parts.
How are you sir? I am very well, but I am also a very sick girl.
Thank you for telling us how to avoid burning and itching virgins.
I live very far away, and therefore wander if my letter will reach you.
I am not an ignorant girl, but how can I be sure.
Please rescue my vaginal cavity from attack, Sir, and send me this infection
quickly.
This Nelex it can help me. I will call my first son Nelex.
Also my eyes and kids are very itchy. I better stop looking at them.
I air my vagina three times a day, much to my husbands regret.
At todays price of water, Id rather use Nelex.
I have five of the four symptoms you mentioned.
You will find the vaginal infections at the above address.
Please send me everything. The Nelex, the vaginal infections, the vaginitis,
the reliable relief from symptoms.

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?

It comes with all of Kens stuff!

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

2. Theres always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles dont hurt.

3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere…and let the air out of their tires.

5. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet with a few nuts.

6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

8. If you can remain calm, you dont have all the facts.

9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

10.You know youre getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while youre down there.

[ I heard this from my girlfriends Austrian grandmother –
it may lose something without the heavy accent, dahlink. ]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go. When
they get to the doctors, the man lifts his wifes coat to show their
predicament. The man asks, Doctor, have you ever seen anything like
this before? Well, yes, the doctor replies, but never framed.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like


Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact


that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because its the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

You cant pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating dos and donts … eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?

I didnt think so. Isnt mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, youll be fat and happy. So what if you dont make it to New Years? Your pants wont fit anymore, anyway.

About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyre serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can … and quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, its rare. In fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. You cant find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? Its not as if youre going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. Its a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. Its later than you think. Its Holiday Time!
If something comes with gravy, use it. Thats the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyre made with skim milk or whole milk. If its skim, pass. Why bother? Its like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other peoples food for free … lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which youll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and dont budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. Theyre like a beautiful pair of shoes. You cant leave them behind. Youre not going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you dont like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, woman! (Unless it was my Moms fruitcake, then you have to have two thin slices. Mustve been the rum she soaked it in for 2 months.)
And one final tip: If you dont feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you havent been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

The angel, Eliyahu HaNavi, approached God, saying: See that man over there? Every day, he slips a note in the Wailing Wall, asking to win the first prize in the lottery. Please let him win.


God: But….


Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: Hes a good man. He deserves to win. He performs many acts of charity.


God: But…


Eliyahu HaNavi, interrupting: Let him win – if not for his sake, then for the sake of his twelve children.


God: But he never buys a ticket.

Un famoso torero decide proponerle matrinomio a su enamorada. En la noche de bodas, el matador se desviste y la chica mira que éste tiene una pierna postiza. Segundos después de penetrarla, el diestro le reclama:

¡Joder, qué no me has dicho que no eres virgen!

¡Pues tú tampoco me has dicho que tienes una pierna de palo!

¡Rediez, qué lo mío ha sido de una cogida!

Ah, ¿y tú de que crees que fue lo mío, idiota?

Turkey Shot Out of the Oven…



The turkey shot out of the oven

The turkey shot out of the oven

And rocketed into the air,

It knocked every plate off the table

And partly demolished a chair.

It ricocheted into a corner

And burst with a deafening boom,

Then splattered all over the kitchen,

Completely obscuring the room.

It stuck to the walls and the windows,

It totally coated the floor,

There was turkey attached to the ceiling,

Where thered never been turkey before.

It blanketed every appliance,

It smeared every saucer and bowl,

There wasnt a way I could stop it,

That turkey was out of control.

I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,

And thought with chagrin as I mopped,

That Id never again stuff a turkey

With popcorn that hadnt been popped.

Two men were out in the woods hunting.

Suddenly, one of them clasped his chest, suffering from a heart attack.



Instantly, his friend whipped out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. When the operator came on, she heard a frantic voice say that his friend had just had a heart attack and died. Calmly, she replied that he should make sure that his friend was really dead. He said ok and asked her to hold. A few moments later, the operator heard a gunshot, followed by the man coming back on, confirming the death and asked what he had to do next.