Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
08
May
08
May
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? Fertilized
08
May
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimos igloo, where he said Watch this! and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. Not bad said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimos igloo, and he said Watch this! and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
Wow, thats colder than mine!said the first Eskimo.
But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimos igloo. He said Watch this! and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went FFFAAAARRRRTTT.
08
May
Hallmark Cards That Never Made It
Im Sorry!
My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat!
Get Well Soon
You had your bladder removed,
and youre on the mend.
Heres a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.
Bad Hangover
You totaled your car
And cant remember why.
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?
Cheer Up
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be,
But dont fret about it,
She moved in with me!
08
May
It took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
she got a peep hole in a glass door.
you asked whats for dinner, she put her feet on the table and said corn!
she went to the drug store and asked for marijuana
she told everyone that she was illegitiment because she couldnt read
she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
she looks at a can of juice for days cause it says concentrate
she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company
she hears its chilly outside so she gets a bowl
you have to dig for her IQ!
she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
that she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order!
she tripped over a cordless phone and got ran over by a parked car!
she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
she took a cup to see Juice.
she sold the car for gas money.
she ran into an automatic sliding door.
she tried to drown a fish.
she asked you What is the number for 911
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put O.K.
she got stabbed in a shoot out.
she stole free bread.
she took a spoon to the superbowl.
she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
she thought an elevator was a mobile home.
she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
she jumped out the window and went up.
she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
that under Education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
was born on Independence Day and cant remember her birthday.
she thought gangrene was another golf course
she couldnt read an audio book.
it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
she thought the Nazis were saying Hi! Hitler
it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
She went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said Disneyworld Left so she went home.
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said guess so she said levis
that she sold potato chips on the corner and said free lays.
she thought Forrest Gump was a national park.
when she walked into Walgreens her dumb ass said, These walls aint green!!
she tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a parked car.
she thought Manual Labor was the president of Mexico.
she put a quarter in a parking meter and she yelled weres my gumball.
that when she looked in the mirror, she said stop copying me!
she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.
she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the Ws.
she brought toilet paper to a crap game.
she asked for a price check at the $.99 store
she waited four hours for a 24 hour store to open.
she walked into an antique store and said whats new!
she locked herself in the bathroom and peed her pants.
08
May
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.
Oh mamma! she exclaimed. The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!
Now Sarah . . . her mother answered. Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?
Please dont make me tell you, mamma. wept the daughter.
Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!
Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!
08
May
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: Im looking for the man who shot my paw.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender replies, For you, no charge.
08
May
Q: How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?
A: With a thought.
08
May
Someone you hire to clean out the icebox.
08
May
The perfect gift for people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.