Old and New Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?

A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of Polish Remover.

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”

What is the difference between a washing machine and a sorority girl?

You can throw your load in a washing machine and it wont follow you around for three weeks.

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma juniors 21 years old now It’s about time we teach him about sex.

Ma said ya know pa your right.

So pa said to junior hey junior come on out to the porch for a second.

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says ya pa whatcha want.

Pa said junior it’s about time we teach you about sex.

Junior said sex whats sex.

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior see that hole in ma? watch this. So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, Junior whats ma and pa doing.

Junior says their teaching me about sex.

Junior’s brother says sex whats sex.

Junior says see that hole in pa watch this.Red One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma juniors 21 years old now It’s about time we teach him about sex.

Ma said ya know pa your right.

So pa said to junior hey junior come on out to the porch for a second.

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says ya pa whatcha want.

Pa said junior it’s about time we teach you about sex.

Junior said sex whats sex.

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior see that hole in ma? watch this. So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, Junior whats ma and pa doing.

Junior says their teaching me about sex.

Junior’s brother says sex whats sex.

Junior says see that hole in pa watch this.Red

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Un equipo de futbol viajaba en un avión, pero éste, cuando sobrevolaba el desierto del Sahara, falla y cae.

El equipo empieza a caminar bajo el ardiente sol, cuando de repente divisan a un camello, todos a galope alcanzan al camello y se suben en él. Pero como eran demasiados, le pidieron al que iba encima de la cabeza del animal, que indicara la cara que ponía el camello al paso del tiempo.

Así se hizo, y el de adelante ve la cara del camello y le dice al que tiene en su espalda ¡Está bien! y así se corre la voz hasta el que está en la cola del camello: ¡está bien! ¡está bien! ¡está bien!

Prosiguen y el de adelante le ve la cara y dice: ¡Sacó la lengua! y así hasta el último: ¡sacó la lengua ! ¡sacó la lengua! ¡sacó la lengua!

Siguieron caminando, y el de adelante empieza: ¡está llorando! y así hasta el último: ¡está llorando! ¡está llorando! ¡está llorando!

Y el último exclama: ¡Pues que se aguante, porque si se la saco me caigo!

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple,
naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, Ah ze young love …ze
spring time, ze air, ze flowers, cest magnifique!! and continued to watch
remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, Mais… Sacre
bleu!! Ze woman – she is dead! and he hurried along as fast as he could
to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted,
Albert…Albert, zere is zis man zis woman …naked in farmer Gastons
field, making love. The police chief smiled and said, Come, come, Henri.
You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze
flowers… Ah, Lamour! Zis is okay.

Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!! Hearing this
Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the
police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henris
story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:

Pierre, Pierre, … this is Albert. I was in Gastons field. Zere is a
young couple naked aving sex

Pierre replied, Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is
spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, lamour! Zis is very natural.

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, NON, you do not understand.
Ze woman, she is dead! Hearing this, Pierre shouted, Mon dieu! grabbed
is black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other
tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gastons field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to
Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went
inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, Ah, mes amis,
do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.

The White House says President Clinton will make a speech on
campaign finance reform today in California. Says Argus Hamilton, The
exact time hasnt been announced. Aides are still trying to fit it in
between fund-raisers.

People who live in stone houses shouldnt throw glass.

POLISH MEDICAL TERMNINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

artery- the study of fine painting barium- what you do when the patient dies beneign – what you are after you are eight cesarean section- a district in Rome colic- a sheep dog congenital – friendly dilate – to live long fester – quicker G.I. series – baseball game between soldiers hangnail – coat hook medical staff – a doctors cane minor operation – coal digger morbid – a higher offer nitrate – lower than the day rate node – was aware of organic – church musician out-patient – a person who has fainted post-operative – a letter carrier protein – in favor of young people secretion – hiding anything serology – study of English knighthood tablet – a small table tumor – an extra pair urine – opposite of your out varicose veins – veins very close together

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve?

Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. Whats a man, Lord?

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition. Whats that, Lord?

Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.