People who live in grass houses shouldnt be stoned.
08
May
08
May
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner–Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother Potato? she said. I have an announcement to make. And what might that be? said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes. Well, replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, Im getting married! The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, Married! Thats wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter? Im marrying a Russet! A Russet! replied Mother Potato with pride. Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!As the family shared in the eldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. Mother? I, too, have an announcement. And what might that be? encouraged Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, I, too, am getting married! You, too! Mother Potato said with joy. Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter? Im marrying an Idaho! beamed the middle daughter. An Idaho! said Mother Potato with joy. Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed! Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make. Yes? said Mother Potato with great anticipation. Well, began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well! Really? said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter? Im marrying Dan Rather!DAN RATHER?! Mother Pot
08
May
I took one of those viagra tablets the other day, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for about eight hours!
08
May
Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the younguns, Now hesh up yall!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The younguns asked Bubba, Paw, what is it?
Bubba just stared; He could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories hed heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin
But the boys didnt know; They was about to start shootin!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, Dont shoot, boys!
Thats Santy Claus And hes brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin And a-raisin cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!
Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or youll make Santy fall!
The dogs kept a-barkin And wouldnt shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didnt care.
He was busy lookin At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
Go check on yer Maw, Make sure shes all right.
That roof fallin on her Could-a hurt just a might.
But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!
08
May
There was a christian, a muslim and a jew who were discussing who had the greatest God. The muslim started:
I was riding my camel in the desert. Suddenly I saw a sandstorm coming closer. I got afraid, I thought my end had comen, but I didnt lose my faith in the holy Allah. I prayed to him, and 100m from me, the sandstorm stopped.
Then it was the christians turn:
It was a nice day, and I was rowing my boat. The suddenly, I saw a storm coming. I got afraid, but I didnt lose my faith in the holy Jesus, and 50m from me, the storm stopped.
Then it was the jews turn:
It was a sabbath. I walked in Manhattan in my most expensive costume. Then suddenly I saw a black bag in front of me. I stopped down my hand, and when I pulled it up, it was full with money. I got afraid, because you cant have business with money on sabbath. But I didnt lose my faith in the holy Hashem. I prayed to him, and 500m from me it was Tuesday…
08
May
How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to change the light bulb, one NOT to change the light bulb, and to neither change nor not change the light bulb.
08
May
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
1010010010100010101000110011000010110111010010100
1100001010110000110111001100101010000101101100010
1100000101101101010011001110110100101010101110001
1010*01010101010101010101101010011010101010101110
0010101000110100101010010110101001010101101010101
0101010101010101001011001011011001011010100101010
1100101010110010101010100000101010111100101010100
1101010 011010100110010101010101000100101101001010
1010110100011010111100110111000010011110o10011101
0011011100000100100011110011100100011110001100001
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: … Talk about an over-byte!
07
May
Q: What is Hillarys favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.
07
May
Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
07
May
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him hell tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.
OK, says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
You have one wish.
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
Hey, I didnt want a million ducks.
The barman replies, You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?