Old and New Jokes

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.

Hillbilly Sex Quiz

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that seems most correct (True or False) and circle the T or F as appropriate.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower. T F

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. T F

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. T F

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. T F

5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. T F

6. A G-string is part of a violin. T F

7. Semen is another word for sailor. T F

8. Anus is the Latin word for yearly. T F

9. Testicles are found on an octopus. T F

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. T F

11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. T F

12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. T F

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. T F

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. T F

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. T F

16. A condom is an apartment complex. T F

17. An organism is the person who accompanies the chior in church. T F

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry. T F

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. T F

20. An erection is when the Japanese vote for their new government officials. T F

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. T F

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. T F

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. T F

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. T F

25. Douche is the Italian word for twelve. T F

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. T F

27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. T F

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that you either live close to New York or Boston

9) Having to live next to New York

8) The two most famous people to come out of Connecticut were a con man who ran a freak show and a man who was the primary cause of the Civil War

7) Because you have no point in being there other than during the fall

6) You can either be a pansy and support the Yankees or a masochist and support the Red Sox

5) You get to be associated primarily with New York and New Jersey

4) You get to hear New Yorkers compliment you for the peace and quiet

3) People from other states think you have a ten foot pole shoved up your ass

2) People from other states are usually right

1) Its Connecticut

Q: What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?

A: Hey…Nice Tits!!!

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor.

She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.

Sister, he asked, I wonder if you could tell me about this? (pointing to the crystal bowl)

Oh, yes, she replied, Isnt it wonderful?

I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I havent had a cold all winter!

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

Gene Perret in Readers Digest

You might be a redneck if…
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, Thats no problem. How many do you want?
The man answered, Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.

The doctor said, That wont do you any good.

The elderly gentleman said, Thats allright. I dont need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my shoes.

Leaving Peterborough for London on a day trip, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall… Hi there, how is it going? Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didnt know what to say so finally I say: Not bad… Then the voice says: So, what are you doing? I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: Well, Im going to London… Then I hear the person say all flustered: Look Ill call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.