Old and New Jokes

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old mans pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old mans milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old mans plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, Humph, not much of a man, was he?
The waitress replied, Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.

What the country is talking about this week…

Big Brother 2 One contestant got booted for holding a knife to anothers throat. But he hopes to appear on COPS.
Tom & Penelope: Theres already a problem. She wants to keep her maiden name if they marry.
The Sopranos Executive producer David Chase has agreed to a fifth season for a reported $20 million. The more characters he kills off, the more he gets to keep.
The West Wing Several of the supporting characters want more money. There goes your tax cut.
Harrison Ford: He helped rescue a lost Boy Scout with his helicopter. After a car chase, a horse race, a knife fight, a snake pit, a chasm jump…
Nicole Kidman: Reports say she and Russell Crowe were vacationing on the same remote, primitive South Seas island. Australia.
Beijing Olympics: Theyre adding several new sports for 2008: the 200-meter Tank Dodge and the Dissident Javelin Catch.
Online movie tickets: Some theaters now let you print your tickets at home. Call me when they let us make our own popcorn.
Maximum security: An L.A. prisoner escaped jail using a fake ID with Eddie Murphys picture on it. From Shrek.
Theme parks: Attendance is down this summer, perhaps due to the price of gas and electricity. But the attendance at trailer parks is up.
Charlie Sheen: Hes selling his sumptuous L.A. bachelor pad. As soon as he gets all the keys back from his married friends.
Americas Sweethearts Finally, the long-awaited movie about George W. Bush and the giant oil company.
Emmy nominations: For the first time, there are categories for reality shows. Theyre not voted on – you race the other nominees to the stage for them.
Jurassic Park III The dinosaurs talk to each other throughout the movie. So did the people behind me.
MTV: Theyre celebrating their 20th birthday. In three years, so will most of their execs.

Copyright © 2001 Entertainment Weekly and Time Inc.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

A Man was walking home one night when he bummped into a really fit woman. They were talking for a few hours and the woman seemed really interested. The woman then came to the subject of smoking, drinking, swearing and lying, and that she disaproved of them. She told the man that she has never met another man that has told her the truth. The man, nowing that the woman is interested started to lie. He told her he had never smoked, drank or swore. Later that night the woman was so imperessed with the man, she took him home with her. After they had done there business the man reached over to his jeans, which were on the floor beside the bed. he was looking throught his pockets, but didnt seem to be finding what he wanted. The woman then asked him what was the matter. He turn around, looked at her and said, F**K i left my fags in the pub!!!!

Me voy a Acapulquito

¿A Acapulco, por qué?

Porque ahí consigues comida, chupe, faje y hasta hotel y paseo gratis.

¿Y quién te contó eso?

¡Mi hermana!

Un señor iba manejando por un desierto y ya le andaba por hacer del 2 y a medio camino se encuentra una gasolinera y dice de aquí soy, se mete al baño y se pone a cagar. Cuando termina se da cuenta que no hay papel para limpiarse y en la pared estaba un letrero que decia:

En este escusado no hay papel, si quiere límpiese con dos dedos de su mano y métalos por este hoyo y le aseguramos que una boca humana se los chupara hasta dejarlos limpios.

El señor dice: Ni madres, cómo voy a hacer eso, se me hace muy cruel y cochino para la persona que está del otro lado de la pared, mejor espero que llegue alguien para pedirle papel.

Se esperó media hora y nadie, una hora y nadie y dice: chingado, ya hubiera llegado a mi destino, pues no me queda de otra más que limpiarme así.

Se limpia con dos dedos y dice ni pedo, pobre wey el que va a limpiarme los dedos por el hoyo.

Y del otro lado de la pared ya estaba una persona esperándolo con un ladrillo en cada mano y ¡madres! le machuca los dos dedos al señor. Este grita ¡haaaaa! y en chinga se mete los dedos a la boca y se los chupa el solito hasta dejarlos bien limpios.

A kid is walking around his house when he sees his dad watching a football game. The team his dad wants to win is losing, so out of anger, he yells, CMON YOU BASTARDS, JUST SCORE A TOUCHDOWN!!

The kid doesnt know what bastards are, so he says, Daddy, what does bastards mean?



His dad didnt want to admit to his son that he had cursed, so he said, Umm, it means, umm, uh, boys. Yeah, it means boys.



Then he walks into the room across the hall and sees his mom watching womens basketball. His moms team is losing, so she says, CMON YOU BITCHES, JUST SCORE A BASKET!!



The kid doesnt know what that means either, so he says, Mommy, what does bitches mean?



The mom says, Umm, it means, umm, uh, girls. Yeah, thats what it means, girls.



So the next day, the kids dad walks in from work and puts his coat on a coat rack. Because of his stupidity, the kids dad pokes his eye on the coat rack and yells, OH DICK!!



The kid comes up to his dad and says, Daddy, what does dick mean?



The dad says, It means, umm, uh, coat. Yeah, it means coat.



So then the kid walks into the kitchen where his mom is painting. She accidentally leans over her painting too far, and her hat falls off her head and gets smothered with paint. She yells, OH PUSSY!!



The kid says, Mommy, what does pussy mean?



The mom says, umm, it means, uhh, umm, hat. Yeah, thats what it means, hat.



So then, the kid walks upstairs to his parents room, where his dad is taking a shower. But his dad accidentally slips on a bar of soap and yells, OH SCREW!!



The kid walks up to him and says, Daddy, what does screw mean?



The dad says, Umm, uh, it means, uhh, cleaning. Yeah, cleaning.



So then he walks downstairs and sees his mom cutting turkey for dinner that night. She accidentally cuts herself and yells, OH FUCK!!



The kid says, Mommy, what does fuck mean?



His mom says, It means, umm, uh, cutting. Yeah, cutting.



So then some friends come over for dinner. The kid opens the door and says, Welcome bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and pussys? If youd like to see my parents, my dad is upstairs screwing himself and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

36. Leave a marble in your roommates bed every day.

q. What happened to the mouse when it crawled up the ladys leg?

a. Her pussy got it.

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.



Whatll ya have? he asked.



Oh, I dont know. The same as you I suppose, she replied.



So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.



Yuck, its nasty poison! she spluttered. I dont know how you can drink this stuff!



Well, there you go, cried the husband. And you think Im out enjoying myself every night!