Old and New Jokes

If you file it, youll know where it is but never need it. If you dont file it, youll need it but never know where it is.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy, James; and a Mexican girl
Jaunita in a spelling bee at school.

To win the spelling bee the student must spell the word correctly and use
the word in a sentence.

Teacher: James, spell dictate.

James: d-e-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Juanita spell dictate.

Juanita: d-i-k-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Malcolm spell dictate.

Malcolm: d-i-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Correct Malcolm. Now use it in a sentence.

Malcolm: Juanita, how my dic tate las nite?

On the wall of a church was a sign:

If you are tired of sin, come to see us!

And right below it in nice rounded letters;

But if youre not, my phone number is 341 3451

[Heard this one on the Howard Stern Radio Show.]

Have you heard about the new radio station? It is called WPMS.
They have an interesting format:

Three weeks of blues, followed by one week of ragtime.

When a man pulled two guns on convenience store clerk Wazir Jiwi and demanded money, Jiwi asked how much he wanted for one of the guns. He said $100, which Jiwi paid him. Then Jiwi offered to buy the second gun. The robber handed it over, grabbed the cash and headed for the exit. But Jiwi had pushed a button under the counter that automatically locked the door.

He turned to me and asked what was going on, Jiwi says. I told him to bring the money back and I would let him go. He brought the money back, and I opened the door.

Why was Stonehenge abandoned?

It wasnt IBM compatible.

Heard on Paul Harveys Rest of the Story 12/24/92

A man climbed the fence to the bear cage in Karachi and began yelling to
the bears, apparently challenging them to a fight.

According to hospital officials, the bears accepted.

Washington Post – Invitational Challenge was to come up with terribly inappropriate Christmas gift ideas.

Honorable Mentions:
Supersoaker 9000:For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The Laff-O-Minit Jajic Spellin Tootor Doggie Dentist:Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art:Turns mommys food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Water Retention Wanda:Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
Advanced Play Medical Kit:Includes colonoscope and speculum.
Chocolate:Covered lead soldiers.
Bungeroo:Kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
Islamic Strip Poker:Lose a hand, lose a hand.
And the winners are:
4th Runner Up:Lil Naturalist Hornet Farm
3rd Runner Up:A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
2nd Runner Up:The Duncan Yo – Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.
1st Runner Up:5,200 pick up – a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.
Winner:The Learn About Puberty Chia Pet