Old and New Jokes

The story follows:

One dark night when it was light

Two dead boys got up to fight

Back to back they faced each other

Drew their swords and shot each other

A deaf policeman heard the noise

And came and killed the two dead boys

Boy Scouts circa 1939

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other Can you smell fish?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fatso!
Fatso who?
Fatso the matter with you!

Un joven llevaba a su novia de regreso a casa en un día en que hacía un frío del diablo, cuando de pronto se les poncha una llanta. El joven baja de su auto y empieza a cambiarla. Al poco rato sube al auto y le dice a la novia:

¡Estoy muerto de frío! ¡Ya casi no siento mis manos! Pues mételas en medio de mis piernas para calentarlas! La muchacha se sube el vestido y le permite al joven que ponga sus manos entre sus muslos. Después de un rato el joven dice:

¡Ya! ¡Ya las siento mejor! Déjame terminar de cambiar la llanta. El joven termina de cambiar la llanta y al entrar de nuevo al auto, la muchacha le dice con visible ganas: ¡Parece que tus orejas están también terriblemente frías!

A women who doesnt have a husband.

A German, a Frenchman, and a Jew were lost in the desert.

The German said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have beer!

The Frenchman said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have wine!

The Jew said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have diabetes!

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Maw is outside hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse.

Paw says, All right, Maw. Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and says, Maw, there aint nothin wrong with this here outhouse!

Maw says, Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.

Paw says, I aint puttin my head in that there hole!

Maw says, Well your gonna have to if youre gonna fix the problem!

So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and then hollers, Maw, there aint nothin wrong with this here outhouse!

Maw hollers, Now pull your head out of the hole.

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beards stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!

Maw says, Aggravatin, aint it?

My friend Joe and I were crusing down the street in Joes new car, when we came to an intersection. Even though we had the red light, he drove right through, nearly hitting a passing car. What the heck are you doing, Joe! I asked him after I had regained my wits.



Bill always does it, he replied calmly. A block later was another red, but Joe pushed the petal to the metal, almost killing us. Bill always does it, he said again.



At the next intersection we had a green light, and Joe slammed on the brakes. Your supposed to go, I told him. Get going!



But Bill might be coming! he exclaimed.

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, Next!

He asks the first nun, Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased, Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time…

St. Peter says, No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in! So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun, Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed, Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen…

Not to worry! laughs St. Peter. Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and youre set! So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. Have you ever come in cont…

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

Be patient, child, youll have your turn, says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. Now, have you ever come in contact with…

Mr. PETER!!!! The fourth one screams. I REALLY have to go first. Ill ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

NO WAY! the fourth one says, practically fuming. Im not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!