Un enorme negro entra a un baño público. En el mingitorio vecino se encuentra un enano que se le queda viendo y comienza a guiñarle el ojo varias veces. El negro, mosqueado, le reclama:
¡Aparte de enano, maricón!
No, lo que pasa es que me estás salpicando ¡imbécil!
Una pareja se encontraba sentada y uno dice: Luis, tómame de la mano.
A lo que Luis le responde: ¡No!
Luis, abrázame.
¡No!
Luis, bésame.
¡No!
Pero Luis, si todas las parejas se toman de las manos, si todas las parejas se abrazan, si todas las parejas se besan, ¿Por qué nosotros no?
A lo que Luis responde:
¡Porque somos una pareja de policias, Armando!
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Microsoft:
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WERE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. ITS ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE ANTI-TRUST NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But Im using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isnt working with the mother board then I cant very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasnt…
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DONT LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I dont have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I dont.
WHATS THAT THEN?
Its a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISNT.
Yes it is.
YOURE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and Ill download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISNT.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. ITS OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THATS HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CANT VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? ILL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THATS WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOURE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHATS ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOURE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….
C:>
91. Always wear your safety goggles, theyre not kidding.
92. You just dont learn last names.
93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
97. Boys will dance in college.
98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.
99. You are never alone.
100. You find out what beer sludge is.
Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on line too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it probbly would be here online!
Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!
Its my new computer, Ive had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a real geek.
Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
Cause Im staying ONLINE, at least til I die!
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining
and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the
doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:
D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?
D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! –A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank
Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid!
True story told to me by my uncle Fred D. after my asking what was in Aunt Merles cassarole dish.
During the depression years, Fred and his buddy were driving trucks on a Govt. road building project up in the Dakotas.
It was noon and they stopped their trucks at the roadside beside a small stream. There was an Indian encampment there between the road and the stream. One of the braves came up the hill to them and told them they could come down and eat with them out of the kettle.
They took their tin plates and cups and went down to eat with the Indians. Fred said that he knew what to expect so he took the ladle and put the stew on his plate and went over to sit on a log and eat.
But his buddy stayed behind and was stirring and poking into the stew, obviously trying to identify what was in it. Then one brave spoke up in a loud voice, Ugh! Dig deep. Dog on bottom.
I never did learn what Aunt Merle put in her cassarole.
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult – for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using s instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard c could be replaced by k sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome ph would henseforth be written f. This would make words like fotograf twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
We would al agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing th by z. Perhaps zen ze funktion of w kould be taken on by v, vitsh is, after al, half a w. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary o kould be dropd from words kontaining ou. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine days fishing.
After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents wont allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks Can I have one of those cigarettes?
Grandpa, knowing he shouldnt encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt no asks Does your dick reach your ass?. The boy replies No , it doesnt. Then, said grandpa, you arent old enough to smoke.
Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. Does your dick reach your ass? asks the old man. No, replies the boy. Then youre not big enough to touch beer, comes the reply.
By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one.
The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks Does you dick reach your ass? It sure does, says the old man.
Then go fuck yourself – These are all mine!