Old and New Jokes

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, theyre fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, its a wonder any work is getting done, and its making a mess all over the ship. I dont know what to do!

The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.

Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.

Well thats a great way to keep the ship clean, but then Im out a bag of gold every trip!

Not so, replied the other captain.

After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.

The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friends advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. This is great, thought the captain, before long, Ill be able to buy a new boat!

This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, Whats the meaning of this?!

You sick bastard, replied the cop.

Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?

Sure, said the captain.

What about em?!

Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!

Iba un negro por el desierto cuando, de repente, se encuentra una lámpara maravillosa. Al frotarla sale de inmediato el genio que, al ver a su nuevo amo, le pregunta por sus deseos.

El hombre, sorprendido, exclama: ¡Quiero ser blanco y estar entre las piernas de una mujer!

Tus deseos son órdenes, y… ¡Zas! Lo convierte en toalla sanitaria.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.



He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), If you dont have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!



So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.



One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.



The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy payfor his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. He got into the first cab in the line, How much for a ride to the airport, he asked?



Fifteen bucks, came the reply. And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?



What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!



The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,… with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked How much for a ride to the airport? The cabbie replied fifteen bucks.



The businessman said ok and off they went.



As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only deader.

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying.
What happened…why are you crying?

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically…
I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

Q. Whats the difference between an elephants fart and a cocktail saloon?

A. Ones a Bar Room and the others a BARRROOOOOOOMMMM!!!!

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victorias Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him. Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger? I dont have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. I just have to run faster than you.

You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!