Old and New Jokes

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. What was he sentenced for? asked the Governor gently.

For stealing a loaf of bread, nervously replied the offenders wife.

Is he a good husband?

No, she replied frankly, blushing a bit. He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, hes unfaithful, and really not much good at all.

It sounds to me as though youre better off without him, said the Governor. Why on earth do you want him out of jail?

Well, she explained, were out of bread again.

Tips to help you prepare for your new house mate…1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it wont be the whole breast.6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because thats where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting No! No! Dont chew on the electric cord! Miss the end of the program.9. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and dont try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.10. Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. Its going to get scratched anyway.11. Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.12. Knock all small items off your kitchen counter. 13. Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.14. Take a fork and shred the roll of toilet paper while its still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.15. Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.16. Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests ge

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) Its morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].

Three blondes are walking on the beach and find genie lamp.

The Genie says look girls, there are three of you.. so only ONE wish each!

The 1st blonde says Genie, I think that I would like to be a little bit smarter… POOF!!!

She is a REDHEAD!

The 2nd blonde says Genie,… I think I would like to be a little smarter still!…POOF!!!

She is a BRUNETTE!

3rd blonde says Genie… I have been a blonde ALL my life!..Men buy me cars,..give me money,…and jewels… I think I would like to be a little DUMBER!!…POOF!!!

She is a MAN!!

Una pareja de esposos que no se soportan deciden divorciarse y acuden con el juez para que los separe. El magistrado pregunta las razones de la separación; después de escucharlas está de acuerdo con los argumentos, pero les advierte que lo único que falta por establecer, es quién se quedará con la custodia del nene y le pide a la mujer que hable:

Señor juez, mire, déjeme decirle que no veo por qué usted me pueda quitar a mi nene, si fui yo quien lo tuvo en el vientre durante nueve meses. Luego de eso lo amamante; después lo crié porque su padre es un irresponsable, que creo nunca lo quiso.

Luego de ese discurso, el magistrado le dice al padre que hable:

Señor juez, para no dar tanto discurso como esa mujer, se la voy a poner fácil: si usted quiere adquirir un refresco en una máquina, le mete las monedas para que ésta le dé la bebida. Entonces, si usted introdujo las monedas, ¿de quién es el refresco, suyo de la máquina?

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some

trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about

various chainsaws.



The dealer tells him, Look, I have a lot of models, but why

dont you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get

the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred

cords of wood for you in one day.



So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the

trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two

cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong

with the chainsaw. How can I cut for hours and only cut two

cords? the man asks himself. I will begin first thing in the

morning and cut all day, the man tells himself.



So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and

cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only

manages to cut five cords.



The man is convinced this is a bad saw. The dealer told me it

would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will

take this saw back to the dealer, the man says to himself.



The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and

explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the mans claim,

removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, Hmm, it

looks fine.



Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man

responds, Whats that noise?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

How do you know when an Asian teenager has been in your house?

Your computers on, your homework is done, and your dog is missing.

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, You dont really believe all that stuff in there do you?

Of course I do. It is the Bible. the lady replies!

Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? he asked.

Oh, Jonah … Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. she replied.

Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? he asked.

Well, I dont really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. said the lady.

What if he isnt in heaven? the man asked sarcastically.

Then YOU can ask him. replied the lady!