Old and New Jokes

Una mujer va de compras, y en una tienda ve un armario desmontable majísimo y decide comprarlo. Llega a su casa y lo monta ella sola toda contenta.

De pronto pasa el autobús por la calle y el armario se desmonta solo. La mujer sorprendida vuelve a montar el armario, pero vuelve a pasar el autobus y ¡plum! el armario se desmonta y se cae al suelo otra vez. Entonces decide llamar a su vecino para que le ayude diciéndole que cada vez que pasa el autobús el armario se desmonta solo.

El vecino lo monta apretando bien todas las tuercas y tornillos y luego deciden esperar que pase el autobús a ver qué pasa. Esperan unos minutos y al pasar el vehículo el armario se vuelve a desmontar.

Increible, exclaman los dos. Mire, le dice el vecino, a la mujer voy a meterme en el armario y cuando pase el autobus voy a saber porque se cae. El hombre se introduce en el armario y espera.

En esto llega el marido de la mujer y abre el armario para dejar su chaqueta y ve al vecino.

Pero ¿qué significa esto?

No me va usted a creer pero estaba esperando el autobús…

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Increasingly late for work after a wonderful day of fishing, a man is pulled over by a Police Officer. The Officer walks up to the gentemans car window and asks, Sir, why are you in such a hurry.

The man replies, I am late for for work.



To this the police Officer asks, and what do ou do for a living Sir, that requires you to drive so fast?



The man replies, I am an asshole stretcher.



The Officer asks in reply, what is an asshole stretcher.



The man replies, well its exactly what it sounds like, I stretch assholes for a living.



Stunned, the Officer asks, how on this Earth does one go about stretching an asshole?



To this the man replies, well you start out by shoving to finger up the hole. Then, you stick some fingers up the asshole until you can get both hands all the way up the ass. Then, you slowly start to pull your arms apart until the asshole youre stretching is six feet long.



Shocked, the Officer asks, what on Earth does one do with a six foot long asshole?



The man replies sarcastically, you give a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge!

Hindsight is an exact science.

Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after shed been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!

The James Bond Award to a Japanese businessman who recently left Houston to take a new job in his native country. To friends and acquaintances, he supplied his new direct phone number, but warned, The phone will only be activated when the caller says, You have a paint job (9 to 5) or You have a golf game (24 hours). I await your call.

The Plain English Award to Faroudja Inc. The Silicon Valley company announced two new processors in a news release that told us: A new YPrPb output allows the DVP3000 and DVP3000U to connect to the growing number of entry-level HDTV-ready sets in which an RGB output may not be compatible. New direct access infrared control software optimizes the models for use in theater or A/V installations employing IR-based control systems. RS232 serial computer control is also included.

Our Stupid Lawyer Trick Award to the attorneys for the Galleria. In a letter castigating me for my use of the term the Galleria area they warned they had sued or settled with numerous companies that used the Galleria in their name, adding ominously that many had gone out of business. In the future, they suggested, that I – or you – eschew that term and instead refer to the area around the Galleria, the neighborhood surrounding the Galleria, near the Galleria or perhaps something like two blocks north of the Galleria.

The What About Those Who Dip and Chew Award to SmithKline Beecham Consumer Healthcare, which announces it is sponsoring the NicoDerm CQ-Nicorette Ford Reynard race car at the annual Malboro Grand Prix of Miami.

From reader Mary Lamb. How do you know youve joined a cheap HMO? The only 100 percent covered expense is embalming.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow

Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

You might be a redneck if you learned to drive in a monster truck!

What did 1 strawberry say to another?

Answer, if you werent so fresh you wouldnt be in this jam!