Fotheringham was a Brit through and through, while his neighbor Mackintosh was a true Scot. Ever since they had settled down in adjacent houses they played an active game of keeping up with the Joneses. If one bought a new car, it was certain that within a week the other would have a new, slightly fancier car. If one re-painted the trim on his house, the other house would promptly be freshened up.
And on it went throughout the years: lawn ornaments, barbeques, shrubbery, boats, carpets, lamps – almost anything one could imagine would be purchased by one neighbor and promptly one-upped by the other.
Their mutual passion was hunting, and every spring and autumn they would spend days slogging through marshes and forests, fighting off mosquitoes, blackflies, and poison ivy, ever in pursuit of a better buck or a fatter string of ducks than the other one had bagged the previous year. Despite the competition, it was usually friendly, and more than once Fotheringham and Mackintosh went on their expiditions together.
One evening, Mackintosh received a telephone call from Foteringham.
The duck hunting season starts tomorrow, and I was wondering if youd be interested in joinin me for the first shoot of the year?
Fer certain Ill be there! replied the Scot. Lets start oot in the wee hours o the mornin, for I would like to be on the lake when the sun comes up.
At 5:00 the next morning the Englishman was on Mackintoshs doorstep. Together they went out to their favorite lake and waited for the sunrise. Fotheringham had brought along new dog – a rather nondescript spaniel. As the sun came up behind them, a flock of ducks flew over the water. Ill get this one, said Fotheringham, as he swung his Jeager over and under. He pulled the trigger, and a greenhead tumbled out of the flock and splased on to the surface of the lake.
Fotheringham looked down at his dog. All right, boy, go get it! Immediately the dog jumped out of the boat. In amazement, Mackintosh watched the dog as it ran on top of the water, retrieved the duck, and ran back across the surface of the lake. It leaped the gunwhale and deposited the duck at his masters feet, having not so much as got a hair on its chest wet.
Bursting with pride, Fotheringham asked, There! What do ya think of that?
Mackintosh looked at the dog, looked at Fotheringham, looked again at the dog, then looked up at the Englishman. After some thought, he said slowly, If ye want me opinion, I think ye got taken. I wouldna spend good money on a dog that dinna know how to swim!
Why is it called rush hour when everything moves so slow?
Why do they call then express lanes when during rush hour everything is stopped?
Why is abreviation such a long word?
If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names
A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.
The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.
Well, says the Tyson man, We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken…
Again the Pope replies That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.
Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars.
The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!
This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her! one of the crowd responded.
Wait, yelled Jesus, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
Aw, Cmon, Dad…, Jesus cried, Im trying to make a point here!
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still wont light up?
Blonde: No, its working fine.
Operator: Then whats the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
There are more jokes like this at http://www.humorshack.com
Una mujer acompaña a su marido a la consulta del médico. Después del chequeo, el galeno llama a solas a la mujer a su despacho y le expone:
Tu marido tiene una enfermedad muy grave combinada con un estrés horrible. Si no haces lo siguiente, sin duda morirá: cada mañana prepárale un desayuno saludable. Se amable y asegúrate de que esté siempre de buen humor. Prepárale para la comida algo que le alimente bien y que pueda llevar al trabajo. Y cuando vuelva a casa más tarde, una cena especial. No le agobies con tareas, ya que esto podrÃa aumentar su estrés. No hables de tus problemas ni discutas con él, sólo agravarás su estrés. Intenta que se relaje por las noches utilizando ropa interior sexy y dándole muchos masajes. AnÃmale a que vea algo de deportes en la televisión. Y, lo más importante, haz el amor con él varias veces a la semana y satisface todos sus caprichos sexuales. Si puedes hacer esto durante los próximos diez o doce meses, creo que tu marido recuperará su salud completamente.
De camino a casa, el marido pregunta a la mujer:
¿Qué te dijo el médico?
Que te vas a morir.
A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, This is probably not a good thing, so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then hes called in.
The doctor greets him and asks, Whats the problem?
Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is. And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!
Well, that cant be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!
They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down your
door. But usually, its just one neighbor, and hell probably quit once
you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.
– Dave James
Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?""I dunno," said the second. "Lets find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didnt hear it hit bottom."Hmm. Lets try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didnt hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if theyd seen a goat."Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole.""Oh, well then it couldnt have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."