Old and New Jokes

What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?

Kick her in the butt!

Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager – A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything, and then leaves.

Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Irritainment – Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career Limiting Move (CLM) – Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Adminisphere – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Assmosis – The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 – Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404-URL Not Found, meaning that the requested web page could not be located. Used as in: Dont bother asking him… hes 404, man.

Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in.

Ohno-Second – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Umfriend – A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in This is Dylan, my … um…friend.

Body Nazis – Hard-core exercise and weight lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesnt work out obsessively.

Cube Farm – An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters – People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato – The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, and Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy – A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out – An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

G.O.O.D. Job – A Get-Out-Of-Debt job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Yuppie Food Stamps – The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We owe $8 each, but all anybodys got are yuppie food stamps.

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he proposed, Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money to provide you with anything your little heart desires.

Sorry John. she replied. Im not ready to settle down yet. And besides, you cant buy my love, but if the price is right, I might see my way clear to rent you some.

A small business owner was faced with the problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he fired one of his employees. He looked in his files and saw that he had two new employees; one named Jill, and the other named Jack.

Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that he would fire the first one he saw taking a break.

About ten minutes later he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler. He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though Im going to either have to lay you or Jack off.

Jill looked at her employer and said, Well, youre going to have to jack off. I have a headache.

A 75-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample
tomorrow.

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him
the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks
what happened, and the man explains, Well, doc, its like this. First I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then
her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady
next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked, You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the damn
jar open!

Q: What do the vacuum dirt devil and viagra have in common?

A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, Thats a docile old thing, isnt it?

No way, said the keeper, its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.

Hardly seems possible, said the astonished visitor, but why is it lying there licking its arse?

The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.

Twas the Night before X-mas

Twas the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed

He cussed out the elves and through down his list

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works

Ive busted my ass for damn near a year

Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear

The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money the reindeers all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes-if that aint damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money

And the kids these days- they all are the pits

They want the impossible… Those mean litttle shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls….Their arms, legs, and heads

I made a ton of yo yos No request for them

They want computers and robots…..they think Im IBM

If you thinks that bad…just picture this

Try holding their pants full of piss

They pull on my nose they grab at my beard

And if I dont smile the parents think Im wierd

Flying through the air…dodging the trees

Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees

Im quitting this job…theres just no enjoyment

Ill sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

Theres no christmas this year…. now you know the reason

I found me a blonde …Im going south for the season

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isnt a hazelnut daiquiri!

No, Im sorry, replied the bartender, its a hickory daiquiri, doc.

Whats the difference between the government and the Mafia?

One of them is organized.