Knock Knock
Whos there?
Marion!
Marion who?
Marion on a Sunday!
07
Apr
07
Apr
How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They dont make Pampers small enough.
07
Apr
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. Reverend, he said, I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. Its very embarrassing. What should I do?
I have an idea, said the minister. Take this pin with you. Ill be able to tell when shes sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin.
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. …And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you? he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
Jesus! cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones, said the minister.
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. Who is your redeemer? he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
God! cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. Right again, Mrs. Jones, said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didnt notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, …And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?
Mrs. Jones shrieked, You stick that damned thing in me one more time and Ill break it off and shove it up your ass!
07
Apr
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, I am very
rich. Marry me!
Thats Direct Marketing
Youre at a party with a bunch of
friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, Hes very rich. Marry him.
Thats Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone
number. The next day you call and say,
Hi, Im very rich. Marry me.
Thats Telemarketing. Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you
walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer hera ride,
and then say, By the way, Im very rich
Will you marry me?
Thats Public Relations. Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, You are
very rich…
Thats Brand Recognition. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, Im rich.
Marry me She gives you a nice hard
slap on your face.
Thats Customer Feedback
07
Apr
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
STYLE:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
MONEY MANAGEMENT:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesnt want.
HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.
MARRIAGE DECISIONS:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MEMORIES:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didnt marry.
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN:
There are two times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy…
– One is to let her think she is having her own way.
– The other is to let her have it.
LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
MISTAKES:
Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use
two people remembering the same thing.
THE BATTLE:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
07
Apr
1. Life is sexually transmitted. 2. Two wrongs dont make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. 3. Its not the pace of life that concerns me, its the sudden stop at the end. 4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 5. Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. 6. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. 7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom. 8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 9. Never knock on Deaths door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). 10. When youre finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? 11. If youre living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt. 12. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when its open. 13. There are two kinds of pedestrians… the quick and the dead. 14. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 15. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 16. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 17. Its not hard to meet expenses…theyre everywhere. 18. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
07
Apr
[Original–many ideas thought up after watching tonights (4/29) game.]
Top ten proposed improvements for World League American Football for 1992
10. After big plays, pictures of players and what they really do for a
living.
9. Winner of World Bowl plays NCAA division I runner-up.
8. Two expansion teams: the North Dakota Boredom and the Idaho Oat Bran.
7. Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.
6. Bodacious-bouncing-cheerleader-cam.
5. Homer Simpson will be the announcer for the Monday night game.
4. Fan-appreciation night where the first 40,000 fans at any US
home game get a free beer.
3. Use of wrestling referees who miss vital calls.
2. Football-cam (now you can see the action at the source!)
1. Pre-season WLAF.
07
Apr
Yo momma so fat I can stand on her belly and high-five God.
07
Apr
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentines card at the store
In hopes that, later, youd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasnt $250 a night.
6. Youre a woman of style, youre a woman of class
Especially when Im spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now Im fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but sos your ass.
3. Youre a honey. . . and youre a cutie
I just wished you had J-Los booty.
2. I dont wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, lets do it, Im horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
06
Apr
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clintons election?
A: Its gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!