Old and New Jokes

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, Ill display it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what youve learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Dont tell your dad, but yes, I would.

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?

His sister looks up and says, Omigod! Definitely!

The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think Ive figured it out. Potentially were sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.

what is the diffrence between a jew and a cheese pizza?

the chees pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, If you were my wife I would drink it.

Why We Appreciate Men And How Our Bubbles Get Burst When He Aint Prince Charming!! (and added comments)

1. Theyve got that comfortable place on their shoulder thats perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep. (At least thats what his girlfriend/wife says – depending on which YOU are!)

2. Theyre at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness. (The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)

3. Theyre enthusiastic about our bodies, even when were not. (Yeh, dontcha love it when they say you look great. . .just dont get over 200 lbs!!)

4. Theyre beyond enthusiastic about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it with!!)

5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall. (And dont be shocked if it is their wife. . .you helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now its better than ever OR. . .yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but lets not let that interfere with us!!)

6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. . .and just so it isnt back hair!!!)

7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew – among others – do not have that particular instinct!)

8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) Thats when our female phrase WHAT a WASTE!!! comes in handy!!

9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. . .)

10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)

11. How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]

12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)

13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)

14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesnt remind me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)

15. They dont mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur. (I aint touchin that one cuz I know people with limos!!)

16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money – ours as well as theirs. (well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)

17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills – jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some dont. . .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I dont even want to LEARN that stuff and dont blame them if THEY dont!!)

18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)

19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .dont get this wrong. . .they DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)

20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)

21. How sexy their butts look in jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)

22. How sexy their hands look holding ours. (No contest. . .)

23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)

24. Their ignorance is usually amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. . .did I say that??!!)

25. They have a great sense of competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on belts or bedposts!!)

26. They can make great sex partners (CAN is the operative word here. . .usually have to have some in-house training!)

27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet I love you Princess is added) (Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than the Queen!!)

28. Though they often try to hide it, theyre very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it. . .oh, to be fair – there ARE moments. . .)

29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we dont want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)

30. They dont care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. . .unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)

31. They can be taught (. . .and when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get – the harder to train!!!)

32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)

A son asks his father, What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.

The father thought some and said, OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Lets say that Im a capitalist because Im the breadwinner.

Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?

The little boy said, Well, Dad, I dont know, but Ill think about what you said.

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brothers crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parents bedroom and found his fathers side of the bed empty and his mother wouldnt wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.

Excellent, my boy, he answered, What have you learned?

The little boy thought for a minute and said, I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the futures full of crap.

Real bathroom graffiti found all over the place. Wheefun. The best way to a mans heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Womens restroom, Murphys, Champaign, IL Dont trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesnt die.
Mens restroom, Murphys, Champaign, IL Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina. Ive decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. Remember, its not, How high are you? its Hi, how are you?
Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
Unknown origin. To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
Mens restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentleys House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona. Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C. [Yeah!] If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Unknown origin. A Womans Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testosterone, youre going to have trouble with it.
Womens restroom, Dicks Last Resort. Dallas, Texas. JESUS SAVES! But wouldnt it be better if he had invested?
Mens restroom, American University. Washington, D.C. Express Lane: Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevics. Pheonix, AZ. Youre too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Womens restroom, Ed Debevics. Beverly Hills, CA. No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Mens restroom, Ed Debevics. Beverly Hills, CA.

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
Im a big girl I wont cry,
Im just glad that cows dont fly.

In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a

brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy.

The second race was the Breast Stroke…the order of finish was:

The brunette came in first, the redhead second,… but wait, where was

the blonde??? She was still racing!

When she got to the finish line…she said THEY CHEATED!!

The Judge said how??

The dumb blonde screamed…THEY USED THEIR ARMS!

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things. Well, the doctor replied, go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesnt reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, Honey, whats for dinner? He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, Honey, whats for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while theyre arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.