Old and New Jokes

Why wasnt Jesus born in LA?

They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

Carpe Diem Seize the Day
Carpet Diem Seize the Carpet
Car Payment Diem Seize the Checkbook
Carpe Diarrheam Seize the Toilet Paper
Carpe Duh Seize the Idiot
Carp Diem Fish of the Day
Crampy Diem Seize the Midol
Carpe Diet Seize the Rice Cakes
Carpe DigEm Seize the Sugar Smacks
Carpal Diem Seize the Knuckles
Carnal Diem Seize the Smut
Carpe Diplomam Seize the Sheepskin

LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) — After El Nino brought only moderate rain to the West Coast, the National Weather Service was forced to admit that the much-hyped El Nino was indeed a hoax.

The infamous radar depictions of the swirling weather system were no more than infra-red photographs of a flushing toilet uploaded onto satellites by a couple of teenage pranksters.

In the interest of good taste, the NWS would not describe how the teenagers simulated the Boktu Islands being spun around and swallowed up by the ocean, but admit that maybe someone should have called Boktu before giving the islands Atlantis status.

The NWS confessed that they were surprised people actually listened to their local weather person in the first place, saying, I mean, look at them for goodnesss sake, theyre rodeo clowns in suits.

Reported by Dave James

The Daily Probe, December 22, 1997 daily@walrus.com

I think Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man:

1. Men cant pack a bag.
2. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
3. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
4. Men dont answer their mail.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be describe even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
6. Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.
7. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men…Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not Santa. Not a chance.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
Im lost, said the man, Can you put me up for the night?

Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.

OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldnt keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old mans warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldnt hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.

Well, thats easy, he thought. If thats the best the old man can do then I dont have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, IM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

A young lawyer was driving down the road in his new BMW. He had just been made a partner in the firm, and was feeling great about life. Then, all of a sudden he was standing at the pearly gates. What happened? he asked. You died, replied St. Peter. How did I die, did I get in a wreck? No. said Saint Peter. A heart attack, did I have a heart attack? No was the reply. Then how did I die? You died of old age. said the apostle. What do you mean I died of old age. I couldnt die of old age! I was only 36! the young man cried. According to your billable hours, said St Peter, youre 112.

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,

There were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,

While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,

We just settled down at my rig (its a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,

I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,

Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,

Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

My Mac jumped to a page that wasnt quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,

Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

Now Compaq! Now Acer!, my speaker did reel;

On Apple! On Gateway! Santa started to squeal!

Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!

Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my Ram,

Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,

Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.

Santa looked like a dude who was rarin to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!

This aint the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,

Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,

And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a Dimm,

Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!

He distorted some pictures with Kais Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,

Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,

As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,

St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,

Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,

Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,

Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!

Merry Xmas to you all !!!

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

How did this happen? the doctor asked. Well I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought, I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened.

So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?