Old and New Jokes

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

“Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that wire?” “Well,” the kid drawls, “this here ain’t just any ol’ wire, this here’s chicken wire. I’m fixin’ to catch me some chickens!”

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he’s got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. “Hey kid!” the farmer yells, “where ya goin’ with that tape?” “Well, this here ain’t just any ol’ tape,” says the kid, “this here’s duck tape. I’m fixin’ to catch me some ducks!” “You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” says the farmer. “Sure I can!” the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer’s sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. ”Hey kid!” the farmer says, “where ya goin’ with that stick?” “Well, this here ain’t just any old stick,” says the kid, “this here’s pussy willow.” “Hang on,” says the farmer, “I’ll get my hat!”

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

What does this have to do with my throat?

Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.

Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, Dad, if you dont stop fooling around, we wont bring you next time.

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.

Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put here lies an honest lawyer.

But that wont let people know who it is! protested the lawyer.

Sure it will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, Thats impossible!

The Los Angeles Board of Education has OKd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools.

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly check up. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.

Its fine, says the old man. I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me.

The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.

Oh, my God! says the daughter.

Hes been using the fridge again!

The little boy was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids, etc.).

After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school.

After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.

He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.

She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him.

The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made.

After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.

She said Johnny, what are you doing? You cant walk around like that.

He replied, Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunch time she would come pick me up then.

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patients wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

How long will he be on crutches? she asked.

Crutches??? the doctor asked.

Well, yes, the woman said You are going to lengthen his legs, arent you?

Una señora mayor va caminando por la calle. En eso pasa un joven ladrón, le apunta con un arma y le arrebata el bolso. Al buscar dentro del bolso, el ladrón encuentra muy poco dinero. Entonces le dice a la mujer:

No es posible que tenga usted tan poco dinero. Seguramente debe tener más escondido.

Antes que la mujer pueda protestar, comienza a revisarla; por la cintura, el busto, debajo del vestido, por todos lados. Luego de un rato de buscar se da por vencido y pregunta a la mujer: ¿En serio no tiene más dinero?

En serio, no tengo más, contesta la señora, pero siga buscando que yo le mandaré un cheque.

A Frenchmen is calmly having his breakfast when an American (noisily chewing gum) sits beside him.



The Frenchman ignores the American who (not happy about this) starts a conversation.





American: Do you eat the whole bread?



French (in a bad mood): Of course!





American: We dont. We only eat what is inside and the outside we put together in a container, recycle it, transform it into croissants and sell it to France.





The French listens in silence.





The American insists: Do you eat the bread with jam?



French (now more annoyed): Of course!





American: We dont. We eat fresh fruit for our breakfast, put all the seed and the rest in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France.





The Frenchman then asks: And what do you do with condoms once you used them?



American: We throw them away, of course!





French: We dont. We put them in a container, recycle them, transform them into chewing gum and sell it to America.