Old and New Jokes

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

Putts-Brooks Law: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.

Dont blame me; nobody asked my opinion.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A: So whats your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out youre pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

As seen on the sheet accompanying a new MasterCard(TM) :

VALUE YOUR CARD!

Your card should be protected in the
same manner as you would handle cash.

Make sure it is returned to you after
each transaction.

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contracts sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the companys chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, This man, he announced, called in sick yesterday!

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.

Wow, he said. Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadnt been sick!

There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.

One guy said, just name it a pub. Another said, just name it the bar. The thrid guy said, name it Suzys Legs.

The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzys Legs.

The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?

He replied…nothing officer…just waiting for Suzys Legs to open so I can get a drink!

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite…

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided theres no point trying to maintain it. Were going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?

One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench.

The fisherman couldnt eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town.

The Mayor wasn’t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.

When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.

So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench.

No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn’t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition.

So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish.

The next day the headlines read:
ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!