Old and New Jokes

A physician visited a California mental institution and asked a patient How did you get here? What is the nature of your illness?

He got this reply.

It started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My Daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.

Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife. So as I told you, when stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once, my stepmother. Now since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.

As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmothers mother. (Dont forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.) Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. you see, since Im married to my stepgrandmother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?

Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Well, Im going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the lightbulb.

Guy: If i saw u naked Id die happy.. Girl: If i saw you naked Id die laughing!!

What do you get with a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite hahahaha

Recently, our town received a grant to build housing for midgets.

According to our demographics, they figured that we should have six midgets living here. They sent enough money so that we could finance the building of homes and let the little people pay less than the going rate for rent.



Since we have only one little person living here it turns out that he wont have to pay anything for the only house we built, the subsidy covers everything.



We call it a Stay Free Mini Pad.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bag of fertilizer?

Ones a bag of crap, and the others fertilizer.

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows,


Work
—- = Power
Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have


Work
—– = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:


Work
Money = ———
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more Money you Make.

A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. Tell me, how are you feeling now? he asked.

A lot better, thank you, purred the star in reply. But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?

Oh, thats rather hard to say, said the doctor. Ive never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before.