Old and New Jokes

This wonderful example of international humor was posted on the listserv list INDIA-D:

By the way, for we people (from India) who were born and brought up in the wrong side of the world, doing things in the wrong way has become a way of life.

For example,

In India we drive on the wrong side of the road. Even the cars we produce or drive have steering wheels on the wrong side.
We pronounce Z as Jed instead of Zee.
We meekly accepted MKS (Meter,Kilogram,Second) system like the rest of the world while America proudly stuck to the FPS system.
We use Lakhs & Crores while they use millions & billions.
We dumbly use Celsius while they use Fahrenheit (Cool!).
We play football only using foot. (How restricting! We lack imagination…)
In restaurants we ask for a bill and pay it with a cheque unlike here where they ask for check and pay it with a bill (Dollar bill).
I never realised # was the right symbol for pound instead of a L with a slash until I came here. (How stupid of me…)
While they zoomed past with their cars filled with gallons of GAS, we keep wondering how do you measure gas in gallons.
We think we have sense of humour while we cant even spell it right.

Even after coming to the right side of the world if I cant correct myself, what am I doing here? I should go back to the wrong side of the world where I belong.

On the other hand why dont the wrong side of the world (Obviously the rest of the world) change their ways and follow the noble example of USA.

Beats me…

You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.

I personally have never taken seriously a college dropout who wandered
america in search of a job until he became the prophet of the angry right.
But anyway, I was thinking. ( a dangerous activity)

What is the difference between Rush Limbaugh and a TV Wrestler?

Consider:

TV Wrestler Rush

Male As far as we know.

White (usually) As far as we know.

Fat Definitely

Wears tight suits Yep.

Roars to adoring crowds. UnHuh.

Sponsored by obscure Sponsored by chain of
companies. Tall and Fat Stores.

Always on TV. yep.

Usually on Obscure yep.
Stations.

Appeals to bizarre Probably.
audience segment.

Doesnt seem to accom-
plish much but make money. yep.

Engages in low brow stunts. Yep.

Entertains more then informs. yep.

Well, I guess if he wants to the WWF always has room for him.
Maybe he could become a conservative TV Wrestler. Loud Man.
he would wear a black and white suit and shout at all the bad
wrestlers.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

A: A refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out of it.

A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman.

The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.

The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both.

Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both.

The boy then asks Father, is Michael Jackson God??

A guy took his girlfriend to her first Steelers game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.

What do you mean? he asked.

Well, everyone kept yelling Get the quarter back!

One day the Mexican maid announced to her bosss wife that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, I am in the family way.

The wife was both surprised and shocked, and asked who it was.

The maid replied, Your husband and your son.

This time, the wife was horrified and demanded an explanation.

Well, the maid explained, I go to the library to clean it and you husband say, You are in the way. I go to the living room to clean and you son say You are in my way. So Im in the family way and I quit.

How can there be self-help groups?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he cant find himself?

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

Una mujer mayor estando internada en un hospital tiene una experiencia extra corporal y se encuentra con Dios al que le pregunta:

¿Señor, he muerto acaso?

No, hija, vuelve a la tierra que te quedan treinta años más de vida.

La mujer despierta y piensa que aprovechando que ya estaba en un hospital, tenía dinero y muchos años por delante decide hacerse todo tipo de cirugías estéticas: lipoescultura, tratamiento de varices, se quita las manchas y las estrías con láser, se estira la cara, se opera senos, piernas, glúteos y todo lo demás hasta verse con al menos veinte años menos. Al salir del hospital, luciendo más joven, la atropella una ambulancia y ahora si que se muere. Cuando se vuelve a encontrar con Dios le reclama:

¿Qué pasó? ¿No dijiste que viviría treinta años más?

¡Sí, pero, te juro que no te reconocí!