The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?
10) This is a message from God: Rebooting the universe, please log off.
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Q: What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?
A: Theyre both stuck up cunts!!
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guys window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.The man says, Sorry officer I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that Ill have a really bad asthma attack.Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.Well, then we need a urine sample.Im sorry officer I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that Ill get really low blood sugar.Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.I cant do that, officer.Why not?Because Im too drunk to do that!
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. Theyll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobodys home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the
doctor tells him, I have good news and bad news, what would you like
to hear first?
Patient, Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor, You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years
left.
Patient, Thats terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What
kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor, You also have Alzheimers. In about three months you are
going to forget everything I told you.
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden Retriever.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail, he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?
— Contributed to Tales Out of School by Carolyn Stickney © 1996 The Readers Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.