Old and New Jokes

He can walk down the street and turn into a bar.

Did you hear about the blonde who tripped over her cordless phone?

She later locked herself in the bathroom and pissed herself because she couldnt hold it until someone came to rescue her.

1. Look at the size of his putter

2. Oh dang my shafts all bent

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk

5. My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip

6. Lift your head and spread your legs

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired 8. Just turn your back and drop it

9. Hold up.. Ive got to wash my balls

10. Damn, I missed the hole again

Dont sweat the petty things, and dont pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One nice thing about egotists: They dont talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think theyre listening.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them?

En una celebración de boda cuando ya andaba algo bebido un chico en una mesa dice:

Vais a ver todos ustedes como le voy a pedir baile a esa de rojo que hay en aquella mesa con la pamela del mismo color.

Acto seguido se dirije a la mesa y le dice:

¿Bailas conmigo guapa?

Pues no le contesta.

Ya me dirás el porqué.

Lo primero porque no sé bailar, lo segundo porque estás borracho, y lo tercero PORQUE SOY EL OBISPO.

In the mens room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — Think!



The next day, when he went to the mens room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — Thoap!

A fisherman got married and went to a mountain resort for the honeymoon.

The resort clerk saw the man at the pier fishing and asked, why are you fishing?



Shouldn?t you be making love to you?re new bride?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got gonorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk said well you could turn her over and get some booty.



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got diarrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk asked well couldn?t you at least get some head?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got pyorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.





The clerk now in disbelief says gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea, what the hell did you marry her for?





The fisherman said, She?s also got worms and you know I like to fish.

Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.

People have wondered from time to time the reason for an angel on the top
of the Christmas tree.

It seems that one particular Christmas Santa was rushed and harried trying to
get ready for his annual trip to deliver gifts to the worlds children. He told
Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch
to take along. He then went to his workshop and told the elves to have all
the presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed at 5:30 a.m.

At 5:30 the following morning he awoke and jumped out of bed furious with
Mrs. Claus for not awakening him on time. His mood worsened when he realized
she had fixed neither his breakfast nor his afternoon meal. Then he ran out
to his sleigh only to find that the elves, drunk from partying all night,
had no presents packed and the reindeer were running loose in the pasture.

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree.
Santa tried to ignore her since his mood was so foul but the angel spoke up
and said, Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?

And that is why there is an angel on the top of the Christmas tree.

Did you ever wonder why they put braille at a drive-up ATM?