A man comes home late one night, drunk.
Where have you been? asks his wife.
In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!
This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
Do you have golden chairs?
Yes.
Do you have golden glasses?
Yes.
Do you have golden beer?
Yes.
Do you have a golden urinal?
Hold on.
On the other end, she hears I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone.
A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and…soon he needs to take a leak. Hes standing at the urinal in the mens room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, I was in the mens room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!
The bartender says, pointing, You mean those three guys at that table over there?
Yes, the man says, Theyre the ones.
Well, replies the bartender, those guys arent black. Theyre coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch.
Tres amigos se mueren en un accidente. Llegan al cielo y ven una pared con un montón de relojes colgados. Los amigos extrañados preguntan a San Pedro que son esos relojes y San Pedro responde: A cada persona muerta le corresponde un reloj y éste refleja el número de masturbaciones al dÃa en promedio de cada uno.
Juan: ¡Aquà está el mÃo! Cinco vueltas.
Antonio: ¡El mÃo está allÃ! 10 vueltas.
Manolo: Oye San Pedro, no veo el mio.
Y San Pedro contesta:
¡El tuyo lo hemos puesto en el techo de ventilador!
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else… After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
Im not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. Im not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I dont know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. Im not drunk you shilly sit! …
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, Joes mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.
Well, replied the man, she must have had a lot of friends.
Nope, said the farmer, we all just want to buy his mule.
yo mama so fat she has more rolls then a bakery.
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other.
He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what shed like to do.
She says, Is that a trombone in the corner? Id love to play your trombone.
So she plays it while he screws her sister.
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guys apartment building. One of the girls says, Lets stop up and see that guy.
The other girl says, Gee … do you think hell remember us?
Monday, 9:00 a.m.
Hi Loretta,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself
to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got
up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I
handpainted it in gold leaf, got out my loom, and made a blanket in
peaches and mauves. Then to make the sled complete, I made a white
horse to pull it from DNA that I just had sitting around in my craft
room.
By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for
my 20 breakfast guests. Im serving the old standard Stewart
twelve-course breakfast, but Ill let you in on a little secret: I
didnt have time to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used
the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room, I decided to add
just a touch of the holidays. So, I repainted the room in pinks and
stenciled gold stars on the ceiling. Then, while the homemade bread
was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly
the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from
Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the buttonholes on the dress
Im wearing for breakfast. Ill get out the sled and drive this note
to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope Ill be
making. Hope my breakfast guests dont stay too long — I have 40,000
cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at
noon. Its a good thing.
Love,
Martha Stewart
P. S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch
gold guaze. I soaked the guaze in a mixture of white grapes and
blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.
OH NO! the President exclaims. Thats terrible!
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?