Old and New Jokes

Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
Too much caffeine
What can I say? I love a good joke
Thats what he gets for hoggin the remote control
Took Bob Barkers constant spaying and neutering reminders to their logical conclusion
I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
Fell asleep whittling in bed
Was tired of playing got your nose
Ginsumania!

I met a guy in Las Vegas who really looked down in the dumps, and I asked him if hed been cleaned out at the casinos.

He said, Its worse than that. I blew almost all my dough, and then I was propositioned by this really great looking hooker as I was walking along the Strip.

I told her I was nearly broke, and she said, For sure youve still got a hundred bucks for a quick one, but I said, Nope – dont have near that much.

Well, how about fifty bucks for a blow job?

And I said, Nope – dont have fifty bucks left.

Well then, she says, I can let you have a hand job for $25.

And I said, Really, Id love to, but I dont even have that much left.

So she says, How about a wax job for five bucks? And I tell her Ive never heard of a wax job, but she says, Whadda ya got to lose? and we go behind a parked car in Ballys parking lot.

So, I give her the five dollars and she kicks me in the nuts so hard the wax blows out of my ears.

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next

to the grieving widow. How old was your husband? he asked.

He was ninety-eight, she answered softly. Two years older than I

am.

Really? the undertaker said. Hardly worth going home, wouldnt

you say?

A father was walking around the neighborhood with his son when they came upon two dogs involved in the procreative act.

Father, what are they doing? asked the little boy.

Theyre making a puppy, the father said.

Later that night junior gets out of bed and goes to his parents room to find them in the procreative act. Daddy, what are you doing? asks the son.

Were making a baby, replied the father.

The little boys says, Well roll her over – I want a puppy!!!

My wifes gone to the West Indies.

Jya makeer?

No, Barbados.

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. What are we going to do? asks the drunk passenger.

Dont worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking.

They pull over and the cop gets out. May I see your license and your registration? he asks. The guy gives him his license. Have you been drinking? No officer. We havent.

Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you havent had anything to drink? The officer asked.

I swear officer. I havent had a sip.

Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?

The man answers, These arent labels. We are alcoholics, and were on the patch.

Santa singh and Banta singh were found playing chess.

THE WORLDS BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. Youre so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

4. Lets go to my place and do the things Ill tell everyone we did anyway.

5. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word.

6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

7. My names [your name]. Thats so you know what to scream.

8. My names [your name], but you can call me lover.

9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?

10. Your daddy must have been a baker, cause youve got a nice set of buns.

11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

13. Screw me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?

14. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

15. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

16. How about you sit on my lap and well see what pops up?

17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

18. So… How am I doin?

19. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

20. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

Man is the king of his castle.

A king is a ruler.



A ruler is 12 inches.



Still think youre a man?