What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle whip!
14
Dec
14
Dec
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, Ill have a beer, and turns to the ostrich.
Whats yours?
Ill have a beer too says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says, That will be $3.40 please, and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says, Ill have a beer, and the ostrich says, Ill have the same. Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. The usual? asks the bartender.
Well, its close to last call, so Ill have a large scotch, says the man.
Same for me, says the ostrich.
That will be $7.20 says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender cant hold back his curiosity any longer. Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?
Well, says the man, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.
Thats brilliant! says the bartender. Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but youll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
Thats right! Whether its a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, says the man.
The bartender asks, One other thing, sir, whats with the ostrich?
The man replies My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
14
Dec
It seems that Hillary has taken charge of hiring new interns for the White
House?
She currently is looking to see if Lorena Bobbitt is available….
14
Dec
Uno del Lepe le dice a otro:
– Pepe, a ti te gusta la pintura?
Y le responde:
– Si pero más de un litro me sienta mal.
Joke found on http://www.maschistes.com
14
Dec
From a Gore Vidal speech to the National Press Club carried on NPR:
I heard bad news on the way over here: the Ronald Reagan Presidential
Library was just destroyed by fire, and, tragically, both books were a
total loss. Worse yet, he wasnt finished coloring the second one.
Kent
14
Dec
This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. Whats a commandment? they asked. Well, its like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, No way. That would ruin our weekends.So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, Whats a commandment? Well, said God, its like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL. The Assyrians immediately replied, No way. That would ruin our economy.So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, How much? God said, Theyre free. The Jews said, Great! Well take TEN!
14
Dec
Q: Whats the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
A: Ones a bike in a ditch, and the others…
14
Dec
Whats the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician.
14
Dec
Three AM comes around and Hillary tries to wake up Bill.Bill mumbles What?Hillary gives him another shake.Im sleeping. says Bill, and he falls back asleep.Finally Hillary pushes him out of bed. Bill gets up off the floor and says OK, Im up! What do you want?I have to go to the bathroom. says Hillary.You mean you woke me up at three in the morning just to tell me you had to go to the bathroom!?No, says Hillary, I just want you to save my spot
14
Dec
One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.
He fell asleep,and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail,he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head——
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!