Old and New Jokes

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.

Wheres your costume? he hissed through clenched teeth.



This is it, she calmly explained. I came as Adam.



Adam? her host exploded. You dont even have a dick!



I just got here, Jeremy, she replied. Give me a few minutes.

Q: Why did the dollar bill cross the river?



A: He wanted to switch banks.

Whats the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer will accept a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

There are 3 hunters in the woods, theyre all telling each other what theyre are going to shoot. The first one says hes going to get a buck. So he goes out and comes back with a buck. Then the other 2 hunters ask how he did it and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get buck. So the second hunter says "Im gonna get a doe." So he goes out and comes back with a doe. Then the 3rd hunter asks him how he did it. The 2nd hunter says, I see tracks I follow tracks I get doe. So the 3rd hunter says, Im just gonna shoot at anything I see. So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten bruised bloody and totally trashed. And the other two hunters ask what happened and he says, I see tracks I follow tracks, I get hit by train!

A man walks along a lonely beach.
Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !

He looks around: nobodys there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks.
Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches,
he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, lets open the thing. He finds a rock with which to
destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of
gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to
one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

…..

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: SHIT !

Hans-Martin Mosner

[Ed: Reportedly told by German comedian Otto Walkes]

The Original Version

The Ant busts his rear in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up suplies for the winter. The Grasshopper
thinks hes a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or
shelter so dies out in the cold.

The New Liberal Version

It starts out the same but when winter comes, the shivering
Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant
should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering
Grasshopper next to the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
with food. Americal is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in
a country of such wealth that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so? Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the Ant with Green Bias and
makes the case that the Grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of
greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the Grasshopper and
everybody cries when he sings Its Not Easy Being Green.

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS
Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything
they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he
deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the summer, or as Bill
refers to it, the Termperatures of the 80s. Finally the EEOC drafts
the Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act RETRO-ACTIVE to the beginning
of the summer. The Ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs, and, having nothing left to pay his Retro-Active
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The story ends as we
see the Grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the Ants food while
the government house hes in… (which just happens to be the Ants old
house)… crumbles around him since the Grasshopper doesnt know how to
maintain it. The Ant has disappeared in the snow. On the TV (which the
Grasshopper bought by selling most of the Ants food), Bill Clinton is
standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a
new era of Fairness has dawned in America.

A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Blame storming – sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Beepilepsy – The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid sentence.
Cube farm – an office filled with cubicles.
Ego surfing – scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking for references to ones own name.
Prairie dogging – something loud happens in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.
Idea hamsters – people who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse potato – the on-line generations answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond – that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize youve just made a big mistake.
SITCOM – stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Stress puppy – a person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
Dilberted – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.
CGI Joe – A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome – Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now Ive got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.
Under Mouse Arrest – Getting busted for violating an on-line services code of conduct. Sorry I couldnt get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.
Glazing – Corporate speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early morning meetings. Didnt he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?
Dead Tree Edition – The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…
Graybar Land – The place you go while youre staring at a computer thats processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.
Open Collar Workers – People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird – To transmit a signal up to a satellite. Crew and talent are ready…what time do we squirt the bird?
Cobweb Site – A World Wide Web Site that hasnt been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
Its a Feature – From the adage Its not a bug, its a feature. Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque – The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.
Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. Ask Larry, hes the alpha geek around here.
Adminisphere – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray Matter – Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Salmon Day – The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant – an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
404 – someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning the requested document couldnt be located. Dont bother asking him, hes 404.
Elvis year – the peak year of somethings popularity, Barney the dinosaurs Elvis year was 1993.

Follow them everywhere.
Moo when they say your name.
Pretend to have amnesia.
Say everything backwards.
Give yourself a swirly.
Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, The sun!!! Its dying!!!
Run into walls.
Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house in your underwear (or naked for that matter).
Have nervous breakdowns at spontaneous times.
Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
Pretend to worship the devil.
Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a HUGE grin on your face and yell, Good morning sunshine!!!
Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder.
Run in circles.
Recite a whole movie 3 times.
Pretend to beat yourself up.
Pluck someones hair out and yell, DNA!!!
Slither everywhere.
Wear a sticker that says, im a retard!!!
Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist … tell them youre making a fashion statement.
Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way.
Super glue your finger up your nose.
Talk to a pen. for that matter name it and call it your pet
Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to ALL the time.
Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe.
Try and climb the wall.
Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly.
Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead … say youre a lovely unicorn.
In public yell, No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!!
Make weird animals noises at night, and when them come to see whats wrong, pretend like youre asleep and nothing out of the ordinary happened.
Do what they tell you to do.
Switch the light button on and off for a while. Then say, Ooooh … I get it!!!
Eat your hair.
Tell them whatever theyre eating looks like a certain animal.
Eat anything obviously not edible.
Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house.
Hold their hand and whisper to them, i see dead people …
When you shower or bathe yell, im drowning!!!
Try to snorkel in your fish tank.
Ask them quietly, Pardon me but do you have any … then yell, SHOELACES!!!
Chase an imaginary tail.
Demand your own area code.
At everything they say yell, Liar!!!
Pretend to be 326 years old.
Hang upside down in your closet.
Pretend to be a phone.
Try to swim in the floor.
Tap on their door all night.
Pretend to have multiple personalities.
Be yourself.

Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!Dancer took a bust
For a DUI
Prancer got possession
And now he’s doing life
Missis Clause is mad
I stayed out all last night
And now she’s getting a divorce
Because of this day’s fight Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!The cops here really stink
They don’t know who I am
Got busted for doing sixty
In a fifty five
The Missis is a bitch
She won the divorce
And now I have to walk because
She got herself the sleighJingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!All the elves they suck
Bunch a little pricks
Cannot make a descent toy
That won’t take out my eye
I drank some sour milk
And poisoned cookies too
So I beat the living crap
Out of that punk kid.Jingle Bells
My job smells
Rudolph wants a raise
Reindeer union was on strike
All of Christmas Day
Hey!