Old and New Jokes

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

A. Well-hung!!

New telephone answering system at County Mental Health: (possibly off to mental health professionals and clients)

ring, ring …

Hello, you have reached the automated operator for County Mental Health.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1, repeatedly.

If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3,4,5,& 6.

If you are schizophrenic, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are suffering from depression, hang up – it wouldnt have done any good anyway.

Thank you for calling, please make your selection now.

One day a blonde went up to a soda machine and put in her money, pushed a button and a soda came out. She put in more money and got another soda. Then a guy came up behind her and was wating for his turn to get a soda.The blonde was still putting in change and getting sodas. Are you done yet, the guy finally asked.Then the blonde replied, No, Im winning.

[ Told by the C.O. of HMAS Nirimba at a mess dinner in 1976 ].

In a nearly empty London bar on a filthy winters day, there were
several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical
American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its
weather and everything else about it.

He says loudly:
What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, its cold,
wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same
temperature, the streets are packed and you cant even get a cab.

Several people quietly leave.

He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says:
Hey, limey: how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?

He is ignored, more people leave. After much more of this only
the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are
left.

He says:
Hey, limey: Im talking to you. Ive been to damn near every
country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how
you can bear to live here. This country is just the arsehole
of the world.

The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and,
turning, delicately enquires of the American:
Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?

You might be a redneck if…
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?
The student replied, Heres an orange.

The professor was livid.

No! No! Think like a lawyer! the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, Okay, Id tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice Id like to try the bet

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter or what?

The man replied I work for the IRS.

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Canadian were discussing love-making.

Last night I made love to my wife three times boasted the Frenchman.

She was in sheer ectasy this morning…

Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Italian responded, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.

When the Canadian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?

Once. he replied.

Only once? the Italian arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you this morning?

Dont stop.

Cierto día se encuentran don Chara con su comadre y él la invita a comer a una cevicheria. Llaman al mozo, el mozo se acerca y don Chara le hace su pedido. El mozo le dice, No lo puedo atender porque en este restaurant los pedidos se hacen con rima

Don chara y su comadre estaban amargos una hora esperando cuando llega un señor con su sobrina. Llama al mozo y como ya era cliente, hace su pedido en rima:

!Mozo, como yo soy el rey, a mi me trae un ceviche de pejerrey.

Muy bien señor, le dice el mozo, ¿y para su sobrina?

Un ceviche de corvina.

Don Chara dice Así es la cosa, llama al mozo, el mozo se acerca y don Chara le dice:

!Como yo soy pendejo, me trae un ceviche de cangrejo!

Muy bien señor, le dice el mozo, ¿y para su comadre?

Lo mismo !concha tu madre!

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.