Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Coolidge!
Coolidge who?
Coolidge a cucumber!

Col. Saunders was lying on his death bed and asked to have the Pope visit
him.
It was explained that the pope is a very busy man and that he did not make
such visits.
Col Saunders said if he could have the pope visit him he would give a large
donation to the church.

The pope was on the next flight and went to visit Col Saunders in his
hospital bed.

The Col. felt he would like to leave his legacy on this earth, so he asked
the pope you know that part in the bible where it says give us this day our
daily bread Yes, said the pope, do you think you could change that to
give us this day our daily chicken

Startled at this the pope said that this was not possible. Col. Sanders then
told the pope if he could make the change he would give the church
$50,000,000.00 and 5,000,000 every year that it remained. The Col. then
expired.

The pope left the Col. and went back to the Vatican and called all of the
Bishops and the Theologians and spoke to them all. On my trip to the
United States, I have some good news and some bad news, first the good news,
I made us $50,000,000.00 with an additional $5,000,000.00 dollars coming in
every year thereafter, the bad news is we lost the Wonder-Bread account..

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says, Yes sir, I am.

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

Have you found Jesus? the Minister asked.

No, I didnt! said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now brother, have you found Jesus?

No, I did not! said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Each evening bird lover Tom Rowe stood in his backyard in Devon, England, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Rowe even kept a log of the conversation. Just as Rowe thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with next door neighbor, Nancy Hollis.

My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls, said Mrs. Rowe.

Thats odd, Mrs. Hollis replied. So does my John.

Then it dawned on them.

Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, theyd all still be there.

Me an this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!

I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.

He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!

Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!

He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didnt see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who Id hit, I near started to cry.

I said Hey yo Santa, Im sorry all right?
Not for nuttin he said, but this just aint my night!
I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns.
Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolfs got the runs …

Im out all freakin night, Im bustin my hump.
But I cant finish now, not with this lump!
So do me a favor, and be a real pal.
Take over for me…be Santa Sal.

I say Yo! Im from Brooklyn, I aint right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I couldnt refuse.
Stop at every house … except for the Jews!

I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didnt want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin my date.

That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you dont believe that…hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, cause hes fat, and hes old.

Im his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, dont you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
Merry Christmas to all, thanks alot … eh – shutup!

She says, Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh.
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?

I was pulled over for drunk driving by a female police officer. She said to me Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.So I said Breasts

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wheelbarrow!
Wheelbarrow who?
Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: Whats the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Maam, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when hes drunk.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade, Who has the biggest tits? The blonde, because shes 18.