Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) Its morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].

Three blondes are walking on the beach and find genie lamp.

The Genie says look girls, there are three of you.. so only ONE wish each!

The 1st blonde says Genie, I think that I would like to be a little bit smarter… POOF!!!

She is a REDHEAD!

The 2nd blonde says Genie,… I think I would like to be a little smarter still!…POOF!!!

She is a BRUNETTE!

3rd blonde says Genie… I have been a blonde ALL my life!..Men buy me cars,..give me money,…and jewels… I think I would like to be a little DUMBER!!…POOF!!!

She is a MAN!!

Una pareja de esposos que no se soportan deciden divorciarse y acuden con el juez para que los separe. El magistrado pregunta las razones de la separación; después de escucharlas está de acuerdo con los argumentos, pero les advierte que lo único que falta por establecer, es quién se quedará con la custodia del nene y le pide a la mujer que hable:

Señor juez, mire, déjeme decirle que no veo por qué usted me pueda quitar a mi nene, si fui yo quien lo tuvo en el vientre durante nueve meses. Luego de eso lo amamante; después lo crié porque su padre es un irresponsable, que creo nunca lo quiso.

Luego de ese discurso, el magistrado le dice al padre que hable:

Señor juez, para no dar tanto discurso como esa mujer, se la voy a poner fácil: si usted quiere adquirir un refresco en una máquina, le mete las monedas para que ésta le dé la bebida. Entonces, si usted introdujo las monedas, ¿de quién es el refresco, suyo de la máquina?

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some

trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about

various chainsaws.



The dealer tells him, Look, I have a lot of models, but why

dont you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get

the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred

cords of wood for you in one day.



So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the

trees.After cutting for several hours and only cutting two

cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong

with the chainsaw. How can I cut for hours and only cut two

cords? the man asks himself. I will begin first thing in the

morning and cut all day, the man tells himself.



So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and

cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only

manages to cut five cords.



The man is convinced this is a bad saw. The dealer told me it

would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will

take this saw back to the dealer, the man says to himself.



The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and

explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the mans claim,

removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, Hmm, it

looks fine.



Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man

responds, Whats that noise?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

How do you know when an Asian teenager has been in your house?

Your computers on, your homework is done, and your dog is missing.

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, You dont really believe all that stuff in there do you?

Of course I do. It is the Bible. the lady replies!

Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? he asked.

Oh, Jonah … Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. she replied.

Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? he asked.

Well, I dont really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. said the lady.

What if he isnt in heaven? the man asked sarcastically.

Then YOU can ask him. replied the lady!

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday School today! There wasnt a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasnt there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!

Three
guys work on a construction site. One is white, one
is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch
and the white man opens his lunch bag and sighs deeply,
saying, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again
tomorrow Im jumping off the building." The black
guy opens up his lunch, glares and says " If my
wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, Im going
with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls
out another ham sandwich, and says "Im with you
guys."
The next day the lunch bell rings. The white man
opens his lunch. He says, "Turkey sandwich. I
love my wife." The black guy opens his lunch.
He says, "Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The
Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and
said "HAM AGAIN! See ya guys." With that,
he jumped off the building. The black guy says "
I feel sorry for him." The white man replies,
"Im not, he packs his own lunch."

What sort of environment does the Real Programmer function best in? This is an important question for the managers of Real Programmers. Considering the amount of money it costs to keep one on the staff, its best to put him (or her) in an environment where he can get his work done.

The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal. Surrounding this terminal are:

• Listings of all programs the Real Programmer has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat surface in the office.
• Some half-dozen or so partly filled cups of cold coffee. Occasionally, there will be cigarette butts floating in the coffee. In some cases, the cups will contain Orange Crush.
• Unless he is very good, there will be copies of the OSJCL manual and the Principles of Operation open to some particularly interesting pages.
• Taped to the wall is a line-printer Snoopy calender for the year 1969.
• Strewn about the floor are several wrappers for peanut butter filled cheese bars — the type that are made pre-stale at the bakery so they cant get any worse while waiting in the vending machine.
• Hiding in the top left-hand drawer of the desk is a stash of double-stuff Oreos for special occasions.
• Underneath the Oreos is a flow-charting template, left there by the previous occupant of the office. (Real Programmers write programs, not documentation. Leave that to the maintainence people.)

Thanx to William Conway.