Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cigarette!
Cigarette who?
Cigarette life if you dont weaken!

What do you get when you cross Ted Kaczyski with Monica Lewinsky?

– Dynamite Blowjobs.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Told by Don Criqui on NBC morning news:

After telling of Jose Cansecos recent run-in with an airline stewardess
over not wanting to wear a seatbelt…

Once when Muhammed Ali was flying, the stewardess came over and asked
him to fasten his seatbelt. Ali told the stewardess, Superman dont
need no seatbelt.

The stewardess replied, Champ, Superman dont need no plane.

There was no action at the White House the past few days, hear about this?

Yea, I guess it was labeled a No Open Fly zone!

Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called Santa Kurtz.

Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.

Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.

Has a complimentary tray of North Pole Tundra Oysters ready for the toddlers.

After every childs request, asks, Wouldnt you rather have a nice big bag of clams?

The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.

Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, Youve been bad and now youre going down, punk!

Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.

Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.

Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.

Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!

Insists on blowing his nose in childrens hair.

Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.

That snowy beard? Nothin but nose hair.

Answers every childs toy request with Dream on, PeeWee!

When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.

Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.

While its admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.

Send me some gifs

To harden my dick

Maybe topless pix

Of that Star Trek chick.

And while youre sending

Id quite like to know

That hundred dollar recipe

For great cookie dough.

And send me a dollar

So Ill get rich quick

And a video tape

of last weeks The Tick.

Send me your password

And a Dvorak keyboard.

Send a Pentium Chip

And a Model T Ford.

Please send some webspace

And the secret to life

And a third-world virgin

Mail-order wife

And round trip tickets

to Frisco Bay

And a polo pony

and a bail of hay

And a bail of reefer

And a bucket of booze

And all of Imelda

Marcoss shoes

And a swimming pool

And a great big house

And an autographed photograph

Of Mickey Mouse.

Add me to the list!

And what ever you do,

Just please oh please

Cant you send me a clue?

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (Its a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.

The steward who checks tickets says, Im so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class.

I can do What-eva I want, Im a blonde. Well Ill get the pilot.

The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says, What did you say?

The pilot simply says, I told her 1st class wasnt going to Miami, just coach was!!!

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.

It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillarys high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination.

Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today.

She smirked and replied, No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States.

Two blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the first blonde looks at the second blonde and says, Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?

The second guy says, Wow, you have an airplane? Lets go!

So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they run low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He says his to his new buddy along for the ride, Lets land here. It looks like its as good a place as any.

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up.

Damn! he says, That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?

Since its the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, All right, Im going to try ONE more time, and if I cant land it were just going to crash and hope we dont die.

So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swearing and gesticulates wildly at the runway.

Im gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!

The second guy looks around and says Yeah, but look how wide it is!