Old and New Jokes

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. Time to take your temperature, General.

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, Stay exactly like that and dont move. Ill be back in five minutes to check up on you and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, Whats going on here?

Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken? the general barked.

Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

Jesus is watching you, the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

Yes, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: Whats your name?

Clarence, said the bird.

Thats a dumb name for a parrot, sneered the burglar. What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said, The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.

A man recently bought a bull elephant for 50 grand. He decided to make big bucks out of the elephant. He trained the elephant not to jump no matter what then he set up a challenge to make the elephant jump. The prize money was 10 grand. To play this game, the challenger must pay 1 grand to the guy before playing. Lots of people came and tried all sorts of tricks to make the elephant jump but without success. Until the a guy show up and decided to take up this challenge. He paid the elephant owner 1 grand and went to his car and took out a golf club. He held the club behind him and walked around the elephant. After walking around the elephant a few times, he stopped right behind the elephant. He raised his club and swung as hard as he could right smack between the elephants hind legs. Being a bull elephant, it leaped twenty feet into the air and landed with a crash. The elephant owner, disgusted with the elephants performance, paid the guy with the golf club his 10 k. After that, the elephant owner decided to create another challenge. The prize money was now double but so was fee required to pay. This time, the challenge was to make the elephant shake its head. Again, lots of people came to make the elephant shake its head and they all failed until the same guy with the golf club came again. He paid the elephant owner 2 grand and once again took out his golf club. Once again, the guy with the golf club walked aroung the elephant. This time, he stopped in front of the elephant. Hello. The guy said. Remember me? The elephant nodded. Remember this golf club? The guy asked, showing the elephant his glof club. The elephant nodded. Remember what I did to you the last time? The elephant nodded nervously. Then the guy said DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT AGAIN?!

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, Ill have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.

The bartender says, Sorry, we dont allow animals in here. The dog replies, Hey, Im tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.



The bartender says, Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!



No, no, no, this isnt a trick, I promise you, says the man, I tell you what, Ill go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.



The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner. Now, can I have my drink. says the dog.



The bartender is amazed. Sure you can and its on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe. Itll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Heres ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.



Okay. says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.



Ten minutes go by and the dog doesnt come back. The owner returns and asks where is the dog. So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog. As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe. The owner shouts, Rover! What are you doing! Youve never done this before!



The dog shrugged. Hell, Ive never had any money before.

What do Polish women do after they suck cock?

– Spit out the feathers.

Why do black people hate country music?

Every time they say hodown they think their sister got shot.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son — the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your ttorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.

Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian!

No one can tell me the Internets not educational. So far, Ive learned that Spanish is not the official language of Brazil and now, thanks to 57 kind souls, I know there are only 36 numbers on a roulette wheel. I thought Id better brush-up on gambling:

The closest mecca of chance to me is Atlantic City. People used to go there to get tanned – now they go to get faded.

A compulsive gambler I know took a 9 to 5 job in Atlantic City. He didnt like the work so much, but the odds were pretty good.

A manhole cover blew off and rose into the air. As it was still airborne, a fellow yells, Two to one its heads.

If youve never been to Atlantic City, you can gamble just about anywhere in the city. One young lady went to a laundromat and lost all her clothes.

But gambling is not confined to a particular city – its all over. I used to work with a fellow who only made mental bets. He ended up losing his mind.

At Boulder Dam, near Las Vegas, they recently installed slot machines. Fellow hit the jackpot the other day and won ten million gallons of water.

Fellow in Las vegas was winning big at the roulette table. He told his wife, Tonite, you sleep with a rich man. Before long though, he had lost everything.br>As they left the casino, his wife said, Am I to go to this rich guys room, or is he coming to ours ?

Cards are big in small towns all over the country. A fellow arrived home at dawn and was greeted by his wife: Dont you dare come home at this hour & tell me youve been up all nite with a sick friend holding his hand.
The husband sadly shook his head and replied, If Id have been holding his hand, Id be a LOT richer right now.

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were
discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an
E for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firms own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germanys Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
– English well talking.
– Here speeching American.