A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering years after eating it?After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake.
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Apr
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Apr
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
12
Apr
A radio station routinely paid money for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. Here was one of the winners:
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologists when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didnt have any time to spare. As most women do, Im sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasnt going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in that area in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from there.
I was a little surprised when he said: My…we have taken a little extra effort this morning, havent we?, but I didnt respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, Mom – wheres my washcloth?
I called back for her to get another one from the cabinet.
She called back, No – I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.
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Apr
Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman
walking towards them. The first lawyer says, See that woman? Boy would I
love to screw her. The second lawyer says, Out of what?
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Apr
A blonde lived on a farm. He didnt get many visitors, so I went to see him…when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize.
I said, Well, thats great, but what are you doing in the paddock?
He replied, I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field.
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Apr
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to
Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).
Unfortunately, he forgot his wifes exact email address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preachers wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.
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Apr
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girls junior
college, said during class, Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions. Miss Smythe gasped,
then said freezingly, Mr. Perkins, I dont think that is a proper
question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. With that
she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson
and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, The
pupil of the eye, in dim light. Correct, said Mr. Perkins. And now,
Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will
some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.
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Apr
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasnt watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists… Before he was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hes so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, hed have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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Apr
Q: Why did the blonde girl have bruises on her belly button ?
A:Because it turns out blonde boys arent that smart either.
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Apr
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.