Old and New Jokes

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then hes lying.

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.

The men left the doctors office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctors words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, If you bend over to pick that up, were both dead.

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, I found out my brother is gay.

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, I found out my other brother is gay.

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, I found out my other brother is gay.

The bartender says, Doesnt anyone like pussy anymore?

The guy says, Yeah, my sister.

My God! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said, surprised. He must have had something in his hand.

Aye, that he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord! Didnt you have anything in YOUR hand?

Aye, that I did – Mrs. Riley. Kelly said. She gave me her purse, but it wasnt much use in a fight!

Eva estaba caliente y le pide a un dinosaurio que se la fornique. Como éste se niega, ella le corta los testículos. Luego, cuando también el mono se niega a sus deseos, le arranca los pelos del culo.

Más tarde, cuando la mujer de Adán se bañaba en un lago, un pescadito se le mete en la zorra.

…

En nuestros días se sabe cómo se extinguieron los dinosaurios y porque los monos tienen el culo pelado. Lo que no se puede saber es el olor original del pescado.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if…

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* You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with yall.



* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.



* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.



* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.



* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.



* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.



* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.



* Wookiees are offended by your B.O.



* You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.



* You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.



* Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…itll be a hoot.



* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.



* You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.



* You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.



* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.



* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.



* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.



* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.



* You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.



* If you hear . . . Luke, I am your father… and your uncle…

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin

IN PRISON…you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

IN PRISON…you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON…you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON…a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON…you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON…you get your own toilet.
AT WORK…you have to share.

IN PRISON…they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON…all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK…you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON…you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK…you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON…there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…they are called managers.

Those who think its tough to make a living as a writer of fiction have
obviously never cheated on their income tax.

Drink a beer, burp, and have sex with his wife.