Old and New Jokes

Why Dogs dont surf the web…

Cant stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

Too difficult to mark every website they visit.

Cant help attacking the screen when they hear Youve Got Mail.

Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway theyre browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

Cause dogs aint GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.

Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.

Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, its *their* light bulb.

Un niño muy pobre soñaba con tener una prenda de vestir, y para la navidad le escribe una carta al viejo pascuero pidiéndole su regalo.

Como su casa quedaba al otro lado de la línea del tren, la noche de Navidad pasa el viejito por encima de su casa y por mal cálculo lanza el regalo al otro lado de la línea del tren; el niño al ver pasar al viejo corre tras su regalo, en el momento que cruza la linea pasa el tren y le corta sus dos piernas.

Con el entusiasmo que tenía el niño por el regalo, lo coge y lo abre… ¡Eran un par de zapatos!

Un borrachito llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero golpeando la barra, ¡Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para usted y uno para todos los demás!

Entonces el cantinero y las demás personas lo ovacionan, ¡bravo, viva!, y así se la pasa pidiendo tequilas para todos. Al tomarse el último tequila, da las gracias y camina a la salida, pero el cantinero le exige el pago de todos los tequilas.

El borrachito dice que no tiene dinero, y el cantinero lo comienza a golpear sin misericordia y lo echa fuera de la cantina con una patada en el trasero.

Al siguiente día llega el mismo borrachito, todo madreado, y comienza a golpear la barra y gritando dice, ¡Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para todos y ni madres para usted, porque luego se pone como loco cabrón!

Una señora va a sacar el pasaporte. El funcionario en turno le pregunta:

¿Cuantos hijos tiene, señora?

Diez.

¿Cómo se llaman?

Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo,Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo y Bernardo.

¿Todos se llaman Bernardo? ¿Y cómo le hace para llamarlos cuando, por ejemplo, están jugando todos afuera?

Muy simple, grito Bernardo y todos entran.

¿Y si quiere que vayan a comer?

Igual. Grito Bernardo y todos se sientan a comer.

Pero si usted quiere hablar con uno en particular, ¿cómo le hace?

!Ah! En ese caso, lo llamo por su apellido.

To men named Jon and Brian lived in Arizona. They both liked to drink. So, one day they were at work ( Airplane Machanics) and it was a rainy day. There was nothing to do so Jon said, I wish we had something to drink. Brian told Jon that he had heard of somebody drinking Airplane Fuel and getting a real buzz. So they tried the Jet juice. The next morning, they both woke up feeling great, no hangover or anything. Then Jon phoned Brian.



Jon said, How do you feel?



Brian said, Great no hangover or anything, we should try it more often



Jon said, Yeah, well, have you tried farting.



Brian said No Why?



Jon said Dont Im in Pheonix!

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, If you marry my daughter, Ill make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.

The guy says, Whats wrong with her? The boss shows him a picture, and shes hideous.

The boss says, Its only fair to tell you, shes not only ugly, shes as dumb as a wall.

The guy says, I dont care what you offer me, it aint worth it.

The boss says, Ill give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and hes about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, Bring me a hammer.

She mumbles, Get the hammer. Get the hammer, and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, Get me some nails. She mumbles, Get the nails. Get the nails, and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, Fuck!

She mumbles, Get the bag. Get the bag.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFTS NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:





You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to



accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not



give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an



infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others



smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how



good it is.



If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.



Set the oven using these keystrokes:



mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat



Then enter:



ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.



If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press



start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.



If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the



ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of



the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The



oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to



your specification.



Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your



oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the



dinner from the oven and enter:



ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap



This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave



and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your



oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.



Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger



than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of



which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too



large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.



Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the



chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,



call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want



another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.



Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of



their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger



family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must



be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.



Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However,



that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get



thrilled in advance.



Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the



freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,



not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimers. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldnt handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair.

Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to hisleft. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, How do you like the place?

Its okay, he said. But, they wont let me fart.