Old and New Jokes

Se encuentran dos prostitutas amigas en la calle y tras saludarse, una le pregunta a la otra:

¿Cómo te fue anoche?

Ayer me fue genial: me encontré con un cliente que está buenísimo, me llevó a su casa y lo hicimos toda la noche. Y a ti, ¿cómo te fue?

A mí me fue súper: me recogió un abuelito en un auto gigantesco, con chofer y todo. Luego, me llevó a un departamento tan grande, que parecía cancha de fútbol. Me sirvió un trago y me pidió que me desnudara. Entonces, yo le pedí a él lo mismo. Y cuando estábamos los dos desnudos me dijo: Prepárate porque te voy a meter el pene.

Oye, ¿y qué es el pene?, pregunta la amiga

Mira, es una mierda igual a una polla, pero un poco más blanda.

1 star hangover *



No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.





2 star hangover **



Slight headache. Dont feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.





3 star hangover ***



Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. Youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke – yet you havent peed once.





4 star hangover ****



Your head is throbbing and you cant speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein



and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.





5 star hangover (aka Dantes 4th Circle of Hell) *****



You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You cant focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think its toothpaste crust. You dont give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. Youd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesnt even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe….very gently.

Theorem: 1 = 1/2:
Proof:

We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)
+…

as 1/2((1/1 – 1/3) + (1/3 – 1/5) + (1/5 – 1/7) + (1/7 – 1/9) + … ).
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.

We can also re-write the series as (1/1 – 2/3) + (2/3 – 3/5) + (3/5 – 4/7)
+ (4/7 – 5/9) + …

All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.

Thus 1/2 = 1.

Do you already have a child?

During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace… have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, Daddy, daddy. I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

. . . and this is Joan of Arc for Zippo lighters. . .

WHAT DO DALE EARNHARDT AND PINK FLOYD HAVE IN COMMON

THEIR BIGGEST HIT WAS THE WALL

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…



Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…



Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…



Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…



Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave

useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…



Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we

wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place…



Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, Honey, do you remember this?He looked up at her and said, Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.She said, Thats right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? He nodded and said, Yes dear, I still remember. Well, what was it? she asked. He responded, As I remember, I said, Oh baby, Im going to suck the life out of those big breasts and screw your brains out.She giggled and said, Yes honey, thats exactly what you said. So, now its 50 years later, and Im in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?Again he looked up at her, and he replied, Well, mission accomplished.

I was working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the bookcases.

I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and finishes. As I went along, I mentioned the different names: The Library Case, The Standard Case, The Modern Case, The Video Case and The Lawyer Case.

The customer stopped me and asked, Why do they call it The Lawyer Case?

I replied, If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are made just a little crooked.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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